“Mom remember this morning how Thea had poop on her finger and we couldn’t figure out where it came from? Well we found it! It’s in your closet!”
Jake and I slumped on the couch together at 9pm, wondering, with partial desperation (but mostly just exhaustion) why the day was so hard. Except we knew largely why. It was Mother’s Day and the twins’ birthday and a whole clumpful of mixed expectations and efforts along with all the usual mess and mishaps (and lots of noise).
Add in my efforts to try to get a nice picture of all four of them together (because they were already dressed and looking nice for church) and everyone’s frustrations festered. I still didn’t end up getting it, at least not in their nice clothes.
It was funny (and not funny) throughout the day just thinking about everything that was happening. The twins fighting over their new toys, Ava yelling that she hated me, and Hyrum locking himself out of the apartment to pout. Esther was crying most of the day because she didn’t have the other stroller or she couldn’t fit her baby in just right, and the other kids whined and teased each other enough that I just laughed when we all sat down to eat brownies and ice cream because it was the quietest the house had been ALL DAY. We cringed at the thought of what our neighbors were thinking. We were all in need of a reset.
That reset came today. Jake and I got up before the kids to get ready for the day, and when Hyrum came into my room after waking I just held him. “I love you Mom,” he said, hugging me back.
I hugged them all as they woke up, looked into their little wanting eyes, and really looked, really listened. I moved along with their ideas and shooed away any thoughts of expectation. We fetched balloons from the grass, watched the wind move the leaves, and built train tracks. We still had tears and complaining and fits about strollers, but we were calmer, we had space to be calmer. And I really tried to hold that space too.
When Jake pulled up at the end of the day, we were already playing on the field. He joined in our frisbee throwing while the twins giggled holding hands and Hyrum rode his bike.
This is parenthood, I thought. It’s a mix of a lot of things, and certainly a lot that is hard. But a lot of it is fun and more of it is filling and all of it is growth. All of it is love. All of it is worth it. And I really love it all.
We’re supposed to be out of our apartment in a few months (we’ve outgrown the residents capacity limits) and we still aren’t sure where we’ll be after that. The project Jake is on for work goes for another year or so, but we’re not sure we’ll be on it until the end.
There’s a lot of unknown ahead.
We might rent a house, buy and fix up a house, move to a different project, a different company, start one of our own, go back to school, move out of the country…We have so many ideas and dreams and possibilities that we are considering, and we couldn’t be more excited about it all.
The overwhelm is there too. Uncertainty has a way of entreating us to fear or stress at times, but never doubt. We trust the outcome. But gosh it’s hard. We’ve moved often for work, all out of state, and almost every time we’ve packed up our stuff, we still didn’t know where we were going. But it always works out. We look back every time and see how God had been paving our way all along, leading us to each place of growth and joy, friendship and learning, all still with hard things and trial, but so very much for our good. Things always fell into place, often after we anticipated them, but so clearly in place.
So here we are, on the cusp of adventure once again, not knowing what’s ahead, preparing to move and not knowing where to or what. But we are so grateful for it. We love all the change. We know that it will all work out, things will come together and we’ll ultimately end up where the Lord wants us to be.
It’s exciting, really.
^^I wrote that a few months ago.
We’re two weeks out from moving and we’re still not sure where to.
I go back and forth with the question of whether or not to share our story while we’re living the messy part of it, the parts we don’t know the answers to, where we’re stressed or anxious or frustrated or down for one reason or another. Or even when we’re excited and hopeful and happy, but the experiences feel too personal to. We’re still riding the emotions, there’s no conclusion yet.
But often I do anyway. There’s insight in the moment that’s worth sharing because everyone else is in their moments too. Perhaps we can learn from one another or simply draw courage knowing hey, it’s hard for them too.
There’s been so much on my mind and in my heart lately. Some I’ll probably share later, but for now I thought I’d let you all in on this interesting experience we’re having in faith and figuring out.
We’re moving in two weeks, still not sure where to.
We’ve done a lot of praying, talking, home searching, all those things over and over a lot lately, just as we’ve done for months before. But nothing feels right. No town, no house, no opportunity.
It’s hard not knowing. We’re really having to put our faith to the test. But it’s hard with that too because though we’re reaching out to God for guidance, we know we need to make decisions and move forward too. There is so much unknown in our future as for how long we’ll be here and what we’ll be doing that we’re really not sure where to move forward to. I’m just wondering if there’s more we should be doing that we’re not. Or if we just need to stay calm and wait on things to unfold ahead. It’s hard to do that with just over two weeks left. But we can if that’s the way.
My prayers have gotten more sincere lately. I tell Him everything, and when my thoughts become overwhelming at times, I close the door to my room and pray, just to let it all out. Sometimes in my mind I imagine that He’s sitting right there with me. Heavenly Father has felt more like a friend and a father to me as I’ve reached out to Him as one. And that’s how I’ve been feeling His love in return. It’s powerful like that.
Even still, we’re both cracking a bit. I can feel the anxiety in my shaky legs and we’re both getting frustrated more easily. It’s all the underlying things, not the little ones they appear to be. We’ve all come down with strep this week, affected much worse than usual. Even our bodies are struggling with the stress.
We’ve had more discord lately too, and more love, often yo-yoing between the two. Sometimes about big things, but mostly about smaller things with frustration from the big ones. But always coming back with apologies and more love. I already feel like we’re stronger through it all. We picked back up the habit of reading and praying together every night, and we’re actually sticking to it. I think we both realize how much we need it.
So yes, there’s been a lot of angst and emotion and stress and also comfort, excitement, and peace. A lot of feeling both, a sway of such. We trust God, we know He’s going to lead us to a good place, it’s just hard to do all the figuring out that we need to (and to know when to let God take care of it.)
You know the phrase, let go and let God? I think the hardest thing with that is knowing when you’ve done enough on your end.
But the message I kept getting over the weekend was just that. In all the scriptures, the songs, and the words that would come to my head, the message was clear, “Peace, be still.” “All will be well.”
I did some New Testament reading Friday and then skipped back through to see where we were in our reading with the kids. I skipped back to Mark and saw the story of Jesus calming the tempest in the fourth chapter.
I had these verses highlighted, and this string of words stood out to me.
39. Peace, be still…
40. ..Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?
I think Jesus was saying to the wind and the waves as much as to His friends, “Peace, Be Still.” Perhaps that’s what He’s saying to me.
Mid morning Ava turned music on my computer. The first one was, “All will be well,” by Gabe Dixon Band. It’s one I was editing one of our videos to a few months back.
“…all will be well,
Even though sometimes
This is hard to tell”
“All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.”
It’s interesting how things happen sometimes like that. How God speaks peace to us. How He gives us answers. Friday it was in scriptures and songs and words that came to mind.
I asked her to turn it up and we all started dancing. I danced and danced until I felt it too, almost.
Then other songs came on and the messages were similar.
“Hold on to me as we go…
As we roll down this unfamiliar road.
I know this wave, it’s stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gunna make this place your home.”
He’s paving the road, peace be still.
So on to our next step: rest assured, be still, and all will be well.
I just need to trust in that.
^^ I wrote that a few days ago
I planned on posting it over the weekend and didn’t get it around to it. But now I have an update to the story, so I thought I’d finish that here. 🙂
I can’t remember what made me think of it the other night, but I thought of some apartments, just a few blocks from us. A friend mentioned them to me a few weeks ago, but at the time we were focusing on getting into a house with a yard or waiting until we knew more about how long we’d be here. We thought surely something would turn up there.
It hasn’t. It’s ten days until we move, and we still don’t know how long we’ll be here, but we know this– a house just doesn’t feel right, neither does any other town. The price, the lease, all the logistics aren’t right, but especially the way we feel.
When I mentioned the apartments to Jake, we both felt a little relief, even excitement. MAYBE this was it!
I called the apartments in the morning to check for availability. Some three bedroom units just went on the market THAT DAY. And somehow we were first in line. We toured the place, noticed all the GOOD, and finally something felt so RIGHT! It’s nothing fancy, but it is so good in so many ways, especially their only option for lease– MONTH TO MONTH!
Who does that!?
And there’s more because we can still walk to all our favorite places downtown, stay close to our friends, and still go to the same place for church! And three bedrooms! (And cheaper than our place now) And windows that open!!
So we got it. It all worked out, so very well.
It’s interesting to me, the timing of things. Why the long wait, the last minute, the sweaty palms from holding on?
I could speculate some things or assume some things, and perhaps I wouldn’t have even considered it before. But I DO KNOW that this is all teaching me to TRUST. To trust in Him, to lean on Him, and to believe in good things to come. Because they do, eventually.
We’re still not sure the next step from here, as this is just a holding ground, but I’m convinced to believe in one fine thing, and that’s that
Elder Gong was at church again today. He’s in our ward along with Elder Rasband, but they are usually away on other assignments on Sunday.
They are apostles of Jesus Christ, some of only fifteen on the Earth today. It’s the neatest thing when they come. The Spirit of God fills the room when they speak. I feel it.
Last summer, a few months after we moved downtown, we were walking into church on Sunday and Elder Gong held the door open for us. I thought how neat that was, almost starstruck that here was an apostle of Jesus Christ, one of his special witnesses, helping ME.
Little did I know how much he and his sweet wife would be helping me just later that day.
The twins were too young to go to nursery at the time, so Jake and I would take turns strollering the babies around during second hour to get them to go to sleep.
That day they were especially cranky, in fact I couldn’t get them to settle down. They just kept crying.
I opened the church doors and started to make my way home, figuring that a nap was the only thing that would really settle them.
I stopped to soothe the babies at the end of the sidewalk because they were still crying. I sat back on my heels, searching my backpack for something to soothe them, when Elder and Sister Gong came up behind me asking if I would like some help.
“Oh I think they’re not feeling well or something, I figured I’d just take them home to nap.”
“Do you think they’ll be happier if we carry them?” Sister Gong offered.
“We could try it,” I said, not really sure what to do.
Sister Gong then picked Thea up from the stroller and her crying stopped. I did the same with Esther, and we started walking, Elder Gong pushing the stroller along with us.
I was sure to tell them that it was no short walk to our place, that we could try putting them back in the stroller and they could go on their way to wherever they needed to be. But they assured me that they were just fine and were happy to go with me all the way home.
Three quarters of a mile they walked and talked with me. Sister Gong carried Thea the entire way.
I thanked them greatly when we arrived to our door and felt somewhat bad for putting them out and keeping them from other things.
But the truth was, I think they were happy to. They carried what I couldn’t and lifted me up, just as the Savior would, if He was here. They are His friends, that was clear.
I’ve thought of that often, and what a special experience it was for me. I know they’re called of God to serve and witness of Him here, I’ve felt it and I know it.
The other day I was sitting on the floor by my bed while the kids were jumping onto it.
Esther crawled off, stood in front of me with her belly relaxed and her cheeks puffed under her eyes, and looked at me, locked right on my eyes.
I looked back at hers and felt a pulse of something straight to my center and down to my toes. A physical feeling. Love, connection, vulnerability, all those things.
In those moments we were entirely present, enough to exchange a split second something that felt surprisingly important.
A reminder maybe, that they see me. More than I think.
Or that I see them. That I am really present, really listening, and that they are too. Even just for that moment. I wonder if it lights them up inside like it does for me. Hyrum often wraps me in a hug when I look him in the eyes, like a core reaction to feeling seen.
It’s a powerful thing to let ourselves be really present with others. Love, connection, vulnerability, all those things. Even just a simple recognizing, acknowledging, and BEING SEEN. It’s powerful.
Have you noticed how much more content others seem when we look them in the eyes? (kids and spouse included). When we really SEE them?
Not in passing, not in prodding, not in asking, just when the option is there?
It’s a beautiful thing, and one I want to do more of. #mamanotes
(notice Thea’s interest in dressing herself as of late)
The shift to more gospel learning at home may feel a bit daunting, but it doesn’t have to be! As a homeschool mom and one who used to be SO INTIMIDATED to teach my children at home, I have honed in on three things that I feel are MOST IMPORTANT and HELPFUL when it comes to teaching the gospel at home. They have helped me to LOVE and really appreciate this time teaching my kids and I know they can help YOU too!
This can apply to daily family scripture study, family home evening, or any come follow me lessons.
There are A LOT of additional resources available, but you don’t have to use them! You don’t! (Did you just breathe a little easier?)
Stick with the “Come Follow Me” manual and your scriptures and you can expand from there as your family and the Spirit directs. Simplicity CREATES SPACE for you to be guided in a way that will be best for you and your family.
My kids just turned seven and four (my toddler twins usually just play while we do this) and often when we sit down to read, we might only get through ONE VERSE and a whole discussion starts from there. That’s when the Spirit can guide.
I ask them questions and we start talking. If they have questions, we talk more. If they don’t seem to be interested or understand, I might pull out some pictures or we’ll look up a video or find some other object that will help them grasp the lesson better. All IN THE MOMENT. I rarely ever plan our daily studies ahead, I definitely study the material ahead of time and gain my own insights, but then I pray and let the Spirit and my family guide. Things grow so well that way.
Some days we just read a few verses and we’re done, especially if we’re having trouble staying focused or participating.
It’s EBB AND FLOW. Some days will be better than others, we often struggle to get everyone to sit and stay “focused,” but we are GROWING and I can already see the beauty from it.
The Spirit of God is our greatest teacher and most powerful resource for helping us to know what our family needs to learn, and then helping them to learn it.
Begin with a prayer to invite the Spirit and PRAY on your own each day to know what your family needs to focus on. Direction will come as you move forward and do things the best you know how. (Don’t wait for it.)
Don’t be afraid to go on TANGENTS, those are often prompted by the Spirit through you or your children.
Bear brief TESTIMONY when you can– how you’ve seen the principles work in your life. Let the Holy Ghost witness the truth to them. Those feelings are often the only things we remember after a lesson, but they are the most important.
3. CONNECT
Teaching is as much an opportunity for your kids to CONNECT with you as it is for them to LEARN from you.
Keep calm when gathering everyone. The rest of the house may not be calm but you can help set the tone. KINDESS precedes connection.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in parenting young children, it’s that the way you treat them sends a stronger message than what you teach them. If we teach them with all the LOVE we can muster, they are more likely to be receptive to it. And if we speak with love, the Spirit will be more able to reach them.
Kids are more capable of learning and understanding than we often assume. Ask questions beyond the basics, questions that will SPARK THEIR INTEREST and allow them to contribute in a way that is meaningful to THEM. Tune in to what interests them. Notice where their interest peaks and capitalize on that.
As for making a familyhome evening (or any weekly lesson),
FIT IT TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY–
If you like to make crafts, make crafts, if you like to bake treats, bake treats. If you like to have someone else prepare a lesson for you, go online and find one (there are lots!! — @Familyhomeevening123@comefollowmefhe and sugardoodle.net are great. There’s also a whole host of other places for inspiration and resources like Pinterest, Google, and LDS.org). But remember that you don’t have to! Do what works for you!
*My biggest & SIMPLEST go-to resources for any lesson with young kids are:
PICTURES (the gospel art book is often all you need) and I love the Gospel Stories Book from the LDS Distribution Center (for just over $4!!) (Sometimes we read these at night as part of our bedtime stories and the kids really like it.)
ACTIONS (let them act it out, hold something, point to something, imagine a scenario with eyes closed, do hand motions, anything that gets them INVOLVED.)
-Teaching about Lehi’s family in the wilderness and they don’t seem interested?
*Let them IMAGINE what it feels like when they’re really hungry.
* TELL them the story about how Nephi’s bow broke and how they couldn’t get food.
*ASK them how they might FEEL and what they might DO about it.
*Let them ACT it out.
This could all happen in just 5 or 10 minutes! You can have a conversation about faith or prayer or how God will help us with our problems. You could even go around sharing experiences if you have time. It’s that simple! (And can be so powerful!)
I could go on about this, but these have stood out to me as the most important. I hope they are helpful tips for you! Teaching at home may seem intimidating at first, especially with young children, but if we practice these things, it won’t be! And we can even feel empowered to do so.
We can keep it SIMPLE, teach by the SPIRIT, and CONNECT in meaningful ways with our children. And there’s not much more important than that. 🙂
