Category Archives: Everyday

One Year

Esther and Thea turned one the other month and we showered them with love and frosted cake and celebrated the joy of having them with us the past year, and all throughout the day and the weeks before I just soaked in the emotion of it all and wondered if I could put it into words.  After their birth it took me months to write down their birth story because I didn’t have the words to. It was such a special experience and I forfeited writing for a while because words just didn’t seem enough (and I was neck deep in newborn care.)  I still  have a hard time finding the right words for them. They are such a blessing! These babies have changed us, they have changed me from the inside out. Since their earliest growth inside me I feel I was pushed into a growth of my own, perhaps dumped out and replanted altogether. But I am gathering more sunlight than ever and couldn’t be happier.

It seems dreamy to me really, that we get to raise them and love them and watch them grow and laugh and play together. I don’t know why this was our gift, but sometimes I feel as though my heart could burst I am so grateful. Today they climbed up into their stroller and peaked up over the edge at me with the cutest top teeth and smiles that squinted their eyes. They seemed quite pleased with their accomplishment, climbing all the way up there the first time, and beamed all that joy back to me. I soaked it up.

They’re walking around now, beaming joy everywhere. And we are all soaking it up. Ava and Hyrum get excited about every new sound they make or thing they do, and when we’re all together playing steamroller on the rug or racing rolling down a hill, or even just watching a movie and eating crackers on the carpet together, I think about how wonderful it is to have them, all of them.  I’ve noticed when I take pictures at home now there is so much going on, so many little faces and bodies going different directions, doing different things, playing with each other. I love it. My life is so different now than it was six years ago when I became a mother, it’s all the more hard and busy and wonderful and so many other things. And I am so grateful.

mama notes

We walked through the garden in the park to this shady patch of trees. My favorite places are the simple ones we find, places we can run free and play without a lot of people around— off the beaten path you’d say. They become special to us, we return again and make it that way.

The babies muddied their toes in piles of dirt and yellow petals and the older two climbed the little stone wall to be closer to the sprinklers. They’d dance and laugh in anticipation, then squeal in delight once pummeled with spray.

I watched in delight too. It’s one of my favorite things watching my kids play together.

I’ve been so happy lately. It’s as though every plant or person or cloud in the sky lights me up inside, and the hard things aren’t getting me down as easily. I’m just so grateful! It’s my season perhaps. Maybe it’s the sunshine, the outdoor play, or our time with so many loved ones. Perhaps so many other things too, but I am finding such joy in this time of our lives I hardly have time to find anything else. #mamanotes

We took the Trax to dinner tonight, all six of us. Jake and I were a little nervous as we set everyone up to the table, hoping we’d all finish eating before the babies started squealing. They eat so fast. But they all did so great! —and we all really enjoyed it. We were so happy about that. We love being out and about together.

We headed back on the train and split up at the mall. Jake walked with the kids to the grocery store to get some snacks and treats for our movie night, and I walked around with the twins. The babies were tired and restless, but as we walked closer to our building I heard the echo of singing at the street corner. I strollered the twins toward the girl singing on the corner, and we stood there and listened to her sweet music along with the couple on their bikes and the men in their suits and the theatre guests on the outside balcony across the street. So many people coming and going and stopping to listen. She had such a gift!

The evening air was warm and breezy, not just the feel of it, but the color of it too, all amber and warm. The sun was on its way down, and I just stood there taking it all in— the music, the people, the feeling. The babies sat there too all calm like me for those few minutes we paused, and I just couldn’t help but feel so happy. Perhaps they were enjoying it just as much as me. #mamanotes

This River


Esther started walking this week! It’s so fun to see her toddle around, it’s the cutest thing. It’s hard to think that they will only be babies a little while longer. A few months maybe? Is there a moment of change? It seems they gradually grow into their toddling bodies with each new tooth, new word, and next step and we see it all and celebrate every one. But then they are walking and talking and eating just like us and we realize how quickly they left their babyness behind—how quickly their arms reach out instead of up and their bodies curl less in our arms. It’s like a river of childhood, where the baby months seem to pass most rapidly.

The rapids have been strong this year with two, and half the time I am so busy holding on that there has been little rest in the surroundings or the details. But calmer water is already steadying us, they are sleeping through the night and off playing with toys, and I am reminded that this time, this sweet baby time is so precious and fleeting! I can’t help but ache a little to leave behind the water that is passing so quickly, their sweet tinyness and greatest neediness, however rapidly it has tossed me.

So I am embracing it all and riding in the river too—cleaning their hands and kissing their cheeks, still holding them while they sleep and playing with them while they play, with the energy of my heart to keep me afloat. And I’ll still hold them close, for as long as I can.
#mamanotes

Lullabies Tonight

Dear Ava,

You asked for lullabies tonight, and usually I’d sing you some while you give me your arm or your back to tickle, but this time you wanted songs from the computer. You learned how to find and play them the other day and that’s been so fun for you. Sometimes I’ll come into your room and you have the happiest Christmas music blasting while you organize your trinkets in the desk drawer. You love to find special places for your things and organize them. Lately your special things are seashells from our trips to the coast and little pieces of fabric from Grandma’s sewing room. Remember how you made me a little bag for my things all by yourself? I am still amazed how you did that. I love how you didn’t wait to try something you’ve never done before. I get caught up by that sometimes.

When I went to the computer to turn on your songs tonight I saw my playlist of lullabies, lullabies I played so often when you were a baby. It had been so long. You wanted to listen to them too, so we played them. I wonder if you remember them. I laid there on the bed with you while you drifted off to sleep, your baby doll snug beside you in the little bed you made for her. It was your second day of being six and I was just grateful that you still picked a baby doll for your birthday and loved her just as much as when you could first carry a doll in your arms.

Grateful you’re still little.

You seem older in so many ways.  You watch out for your little brother, stay in bed at bedtime, and call me out when I forget about painting your nails like I said. Today you wrote our names in chalk on the driveway and decorated them in hearts and stars. Remember how nervous you were to draw hearts until Daddy showed you the easy way? Now you draw them all the time. They were my favorite when I was little too. You love to draw and paint and create things, and you are so very smart. You are reading and adding and figuring new things out all the time. I just wish I could keep up with you, discovering it all for the first time again. I feel like my attention is split so many ways these days and my energy has waned, but my love for you and all the wonderful things you are becoming is only growing. And oh how I loved spending the day with you yesterday. We got our nails done for the first time together and went shopping and ended the night with chocolate cake and slurpies with the rest of the family.

Tonight you fell asleep so quickly. Just an hour ago you were giggling under the trampoline with your cousins, playing until the day was gone. I laid there between you and your brother on your bed and listened to our lullabies, the very songs I listened to when I carried you closest in my growing belly. I’d fold your tiny clothes and dream of what it would be like to hold you and care for you. Oh how I dreamed.

And then you came.

The sweetest gift of motherhood came bundled in the prettiest blue eyes and the most precious feeling. I never wanted to leave the hospital because it felt like heaven was there with us, as though I could feel your angels staying there in our room, pouring out their love for you too. And then we brought you home and the feeling stayed. Maybe they stayed too.

I remember holding you on our bed in our little room, awed at the way your little fingers curled and your eyes moved. It was all so amazing to me. I wanted to care for you the best I could. I remember warming your bath towel in the dryer so you wouldn’t feel cold, and then your dad would air it out before using it so it wouldn’t be too hot.  Sounds like him doesn’t it? He cares a lot too. These songs makes those early days with you seem so close. What a blessing it is to love you. And oh how we love you, so very very much.  Happy birthday my sweet Ava. 

#mamanotes #birthdayletters

When you cannot do what you have always done

“When you cannot do what you have always done,
then you only do what matters most.” -Robert D. Hales

I have felt really exhausted lately. Rarely a good night’s rest, and so much to do on so little sleep. And free time, what’s that?

But two years ago a sweet sister missionary in our lds branch wrote this quote on a bookmark and gave it to me (before I even knew I was pregnant with twins). It’s from David A. Bednar’s conference talk a few years back, quoting Robert D. Hales. Little did she know how much I would entirely CLING to that comforting reminder two years down the road.

When I focus on the things that matter most, I can feel like I am doing enough. I am trying to remind myself that it IS enough, but what’s clear is that this is where my JOY is.

This morning I asked myself, “What is most important for me to do today?”  My mind was full of a hundred things I needed to do, or wanted to do, but only a few were MOST important.

Pray. Read my scriptures. Love on my family and take care of them. THIS is my joy.

Having done these things by the end of the day I felt like I was doing alright, despite all the things I didn’t do. These are what matter most, and “what matters most lasts the longest.”

Even then, I still managed to shower, put a few loads of laundry through (through, not folded and put away 🙂  read to my kids, feed them, take them to the park, write a mamanote, make soup for dinner, wash some dishes (after the kids went to bed), and order more binkis online.

I DIDN’T pick up the clutter, wipe down the counters, finish the dishes, vacuum the floors, CLEAN THE BATHROOMS (been on my list for a while now 🙈), go through those bills, research that baby rash, trim the kids’ nails, exercise, meal plan, edit pictures, order winter clothes for the kids and new sheets for us (completely ripped while I stood on them last week to get pictures of the twins,) update my blog, play with my kids more, make family videos, take a nap, among so many other things I needed or wanted to do. (This is still a HUGE improvement from a few months ago when I hardly had time to pour myself a bowl of cereal and eat it.)

But somehow, I feel ok with that. Those things will move over to tomorrow’s list, but today I filled with the most important things, and that is always enough.

#mamanotes