When We Believe

2020-12-10

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We always thought that we’d spend a few years living internationally.

It was a goal, in a way, a dream even, especially for Jake. He joined a company out of college in part because of their work all over the world and opportunities for that.

So far it has taken us to a handful of places across the country that we’ve grown to love. We imagined our next project would be the right timing for an international assignment when this one ended this year. Perhaps Australia, Europe, the Middle East. It all enticed us with the opportunity for experience–for all of us.

We planned to spend maybe seven more years living in diverse places and then settle down and build our own home on a piece of land somewhere closer to family.

Covid changed trajectories for a lot of people, and we did not escape its course derailing. There’s still hope for the possibility of international living in our future, we haven’t closed those doors, but it’s interesting to me that even before covid, before the world stopped and changed so many plans, I was already feeling the desire to change mine.

The summer before last we stumbled upon a piece of land among sprawling pastures and green hills and my heart drew me in to the possibility of settling down, sooner. I felt drawn to this land like nothing before. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was breathtaking! My mind caught hold on all the possibilities of working together on our own piece of land, sooner, and my dreams started building themselves.

We researched the land and considered our options, but still the price and so many unknowns in our future seemed daunting at best. We didn’t know where our next job would be, how we could afford it, or how it would all work out, but when I starting thinking on these things, a whisper of encouragement often entered my mind,

“With God all things are possible.”

It was subtle yet unmistakable, because I knew the whisperer.

I just needed to trust Him.

I clung to those whispers to hold onto hope and possibility and started building my dreams until one day in prayer He whispered to me again. I felt it so clearly in my heart and in my mind.

We had arranged the financing, researched the land, worked with the agent, and considered our plans, praying for help and guidance through it all.

A few days before we put in an offer on the land, I prayed to Heavenly Father about it all and asked if we should move forward with it.

That’s when He whispered to my heart again. It was an overwhelming love, a distinctly fatherly love so encouraging, and I felt Him say, “Go get it, I’ve got your back.”

For the past year I have clung to those words and that feeling as people changed plans, better offers came in, and we stepped in hole after hole in our efforts to obtain it. But God was planting seeds in those holes, and those whispers gave me hope enough to believe it, even while our feet felt stuck.

Over the past year with each offer and change and roadblock, my heart would sink and anxious stirrings captured my thoughts for a time. But then I would settle, and I’d remember that God keeps His word. And I’d remember the words He shared with me, the whispers that I felt, and I’d keep hoping.

I remember when I first felt that assurance I told Jake, “Even if we hit roadblocks or if other offers come in, or whatever, I just know that He is going to help us get it. I just know it.”

That’s how powerful connections with heaven can be. That’s why we need to record and remember them.

And we need to believe.

Now here we are, 16 months since those first whispers to my heart and the land is finally OURS. 😭🙏❤️

God is real. His love is real, and so is His help.

He is over all, so aware of us and desiring to help us if we trust Him, if we hope, if we BELIEVE He will.

We still have challenges, but it’s the greatest feeling having God on our team. I feel so very hopeful! I KNOW that with God ALL things ARE possible.

#mamanotes

“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future–to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.
God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.”
-Jeffrey R. Holland

I wrote an instagram post back in July of 2019 when I first saw the land, a year and a half ago. It’s beautiful to me to look back on that hope and those dreams that I’m still dreaming. They are so much closer now. <3

You can read it here.

What we say (almost) the most

2019-10-19

We celebrated 10 years together this summer. It’s been so great. I could go on about the profound blessing of these 10 years married to him, but I’ll save that for a love letter (for now 😘).

BUT I would like to share something. It’s what I write on advice cards at bridal showers.

Throughout our whole marriage, other than “I love you,” the thing that Jake and I say most often to each other is, “we’ve got to get to bed earlier.”

I know that everyone is different with different circumstances (including babies that don’t sleep through the night 🙋‍♀️) but if I can offer any advice it’s this–

Go to bed early and get up early and establish this routine IN YOUR BONES so that when the babies come & the schedules change & all the hard things stand in your way, you will be able to stick to this one DOMINO habit that affects the success of EVERY day & every other good thing you desire to do.

We’re still trying to be more consistent with this (clearly 🤪) but we KNOW. It’s incredible the difference it makes!

When we go to bed early & get up early before the kids & before work, we get that quiet space just for us, that time to think and read and pray and create. Time with God & with our thoughts. And time to get our bodies moving.

At night we can still have the kind of easing out, connecting space after the kids get to bed. But when we forego the tired, decompressing scrolling space that we drag out at night because it’s just so nice to have that time to ourselves or forego trying to get those things done that we’re too tired (or emotional) to do anyway… if we give that up and go to bed early…

We get the inspiring, rejuvenating, illuminating space that is ours to do whatever we want with in the morning (and without the guilt of staying up late!)

It’s motivating & centering & helps us start out the day on top (which is so great because we all know how we can feel at the end.)

And this is coming from a long time night owl🌙. It’s worth it! Early mornings alone are incredible (& life changing).

Plus it’s in scripture & so many people recommend it too. So there’s that.👌🌤

(Now if we can just make a SOLID habit of it 😜.)

We will, eventually👊😘

Taken Care Of

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Ava was surprised the other day when she heard that we can bake things with pumpkin. (Clearly I’m still coming out of hibernation after having the twins, just starting to make a full week of dinners over here.)

BUT I am excited about baking again, it satisfies Ava’s love of making things and I love the opportunity it gives us to give some away, to have an easy excuse to go visit people.

We made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies for the first time the other day. I promised the kids that we’d get outside and ride bikes, and as the last of the cookies finished and the sun began to wane, we quickly dropped some off to the lady a few doors down that let us borrow her ground cloves.

As the kids geared up to head out the door again, I thought about how this may be the best time to offer them to someone else, so I stood by the door wondering WHO to bring them to.

I quickly thought of the elderly man a few floors above us, he lost his wife to cancer just the week before.

I had never met him, but I cared about him. I put a few on a plate and wrapped them up, wrote a note at Ava’s request and ran out to meet the other kids already playing in the hallway.

I imagined he might have family there, might be out somewhere, or might not care for visitors. Maybe he was doing just fine, we could just drop them off real quick.

He didn’t have family there, or visitors. A pile of funeral programs and two vases of flowers still sat on his table. He greeted us gratefully, responded that he was “hanging in there,” and didn’t seem to mind the kids hanging on my legs as we talked. He told me about his family, showed me a poem his autistic granddaughter wrote for him, and spoke of his last days with his wife with tears in his eyes. We talked for thirty minutes in his doorway, he mostly talked and I mostly listened, feeling my own tears and wishing I knew a way to better comfort him. Another lady down the hall toted my kids back and forth in her wagon until she got tired and Thea had to go potty.

I mentioned we’d better go home to the bathroom and he offered we use his. So we went inside and talked some more.

When we turned to leave, he looked down at the cookies and the funeral pamphlets next to them, his mouth pressed to keep back the tears.

I felt for him.

I wondered then, hesitant to leave him, perhaps people aren’t as “taken care of” as we think.

Are we ever “taken care of?”

I’m learning just how much we are all in need.

It’s inspiring to me the way God weaves our paths with others, the ones we need and who need us. When we are open to it, we see how we can reach out in simple ways. Ways for Him, and ways that take care of us both.

There’s a powerful feeling that comes when we take care of each other, when we try where we can, even when we’re not sure it’s needed or not sure we know how.

I imagine we both feel it. It’s God’s love we’re really sharing. We learn how to love more like Him and we get to feel His love because of that. Because we try. And that makes all the difference. #mamanotes

When Mother’s Day Doesn’t Go Your Way

2019-05-14

“Mom remember this morning how Thea had poop on her finger and we couldn’t figure out where it came from? Well we found it! It’s in your closet!”

Jake and I slumped on the couch together at 9pm, wondering, with partial desperation (but mostly just exhaustion) why the day was so hard. Except we knew largely why. It was Mother’s Day and the twins’ birthday and a whole clumpful of mixed expectations and efforts along with all the usual mess and mishaps (and lots of noise).

Add in my efforts to try to get a nice picture of all four of them together (because they were already dressed and looking nice for church) and everyone’s frustrations festered. I still didn’t end up getting it, at least not in their nice clothes.

It was funny (and not funny) throughout the day just thinking about everything that was happening. The twins fighting over their new toys, Ava yelling that she hated me, and Hyrum locking himself out of the apartment to pout. Esther was crying most of the day because she didn’t have the other stroller or she couldn’t fit her baby in just right, and the other kids whined and teased each other enough that I just laughed when we all sat down to eat brownies and ice cream because it was the quietest the house had been ALL DAY. We cringed at the thought of what our neighbors were thinking. We were all in need of a reset.

That reset came today. Jake and I got up before the kids to get ready for the day, and when Hyrum came into my room after waking I just held him. “I love you Mom,” he said, hugging me back.

I hugged them all as they woke up, looked into their little wanting eyes, and really looked, really listened. I moved along with their ideas and shooed away any thoughts of expectation. We fetched balloons from the grass, watched the wind move the leaves, and built train tracks. We still had tears and complaining and fits about strollers, but we were calmer, we had space to be calmer. And I really tried to hold that space too.

When Jake pulled up at the end of the day, we were already playing on the field. He joined in our frisbee throwing while the twins giggled holding hands and Hyrum rode his bike.

This is parenthood, I thought. It’s a mix of a lot of things, and certainly a lot that is hard. But a lot of it is fun and more of it is filling and all of it is growth. All of it is love. All of it is worth it. And I really love it all.

#mamanotes

All Will Be Well

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We’re supposed to be out of our apartment in a few months (we’ve outgrown the residents capacity limits) and we still aren’t sure where we’ll be after that. The project Jake is on for work goes for another year or so, but we’re not sure we’ll be on it until the end.

There’s a lot of unknown ahead.

We might rent a house, buy and fix up a house, move to a different project, a different company, start one of our own, go back to school, move out of the country…We have so many ideas and dreams and possibilities that we are considering, and we couldn’t be more excited about it all.

The overwhelm is there too. Uncertainty has a way of entreating us to fear or stress at times, but never doubt. We trust the outcome. But gosh it’s hard. We’ve moved often for work, all out of state, and almost every time we’ve packed up our stuff, we still didn’t know where we were going. But it always works out. We look back every time and see how God had been paving our way all along, leading us to each place of growth and joy, friendship and learning, all still with hard things and trial, but so very much for our good. Things always fell into place, often after we anticipated them, but so clearly in place.

So here we are, on the cusp of adventure once again, not knowing what’s ahead, preparing to move and not knowing where to or what. But we are so grateful for it. We love all the change. We know that it will all work out, things will come together and we’ll ultimately end up where the Lord wants us to be.

It’s exciting, really.

^^I wrote that a few months ago.

We’re two weeks out from moving and we’re still not sure where to.

I go back and forth with the question of whether or not to share our story while we’re living the messy part of it, the parts we don’t know the answers to, where we’re stressed or anxious or frustrated or down for one reason or another. Or even when we’re excited and hopeful and happy, but the experiences feel too personal to. We’re still riding the emotions, there’s no conclusion yet.

But often I do anyway. There’s insight in the moment that’s worth sharing because everyone else is in their moments too. Perhaps we can learn from one another or simply draw courage knowing hey, it’s hard for them too.

There’s been so much on my mind and in my heart lately. Some I’ll probably share later, but for now I thought I’d let you all in on this interesting experience we’re having in faith and figuring out.

We’re moving in two weeks, still not sure where to.

We’ve done a lot of praying, talking, home searching, all those things over and over a lot lately, just as we’ve done for months before. But nothing feels right. No town, no house, no opportunity.

It’s hard not knowing. We’re really having to put our faith to the test. But it’s hard with that too because though we’re reaching out to God for guidance, we know we need to make decisions and move forward too. There is so much unknown in our future as for how long we’ll be here and what we’ll be doing that we’re really not sure where to move forward to. I’m just wondering if there’s more we should be doing that we’re not. Or if we just need to stay calm and wait on things to unfold ahead. It’s hard to do that with just over two weeks left. But we can if that’s the way.

My prayers have gotten more sincere lately. I tell Him everything, and when my thoughts become overwhelming at times, I close the door to my room and pray, just to let it all out. Sometimes in my mind I imagine that He’s sitting right there with me. Heavenly Father has felt more like a friend and a father to me as I’ve reached out to Him as one. And that’s how I’ve been feeling His love in return. It’s powerful like that.

Even still, we’re both cracking a bit. I can feel the anxiety in my shaky legs and we’re both getting frustrated more easily. It’s all the underlying things, not the little ones they appear to be. We’ve all come down with strep this week, affected much worse than usual. Even our bodies are struggling with the stress.

We’ve had more discord lately too, and more love, often yo-yoing between the two. Sometimes about big things, but mostly about smaller things with frustration from the big ones. But always coming back with apologies and more love. I already feel like we’re stronger through it all. We picked back up the habit of reading and praying together every night, and we’re actually sticking to it. I think we both realize how much we need it.

So yes, there’s been a lot of angst and emotion and stress and also comfort, excitement, and peace. A lot of feeling both, a sway of such. We trust God, we know He’s going to lead us to a good place, it’s just hard to do all the figuring out that we need to (and to know when to let God take care of it.)

You know the phrase, let go and let God? I think the hardest thing with that is knowing when you’ve done enough on your end.

But the message I kept getting over the weekend was just that. In all the scriptures, the songs, and the words that would come to my head, the message was clear, “Peace, be still.” “All will be well.”

I did some New Testament reading Friday and then skipped back through to see where we were in our reading with the kids. I skipped back to Mark and saw the story of Jesus calming the tempest in the fourth chapter.

I had these verses highlighted, and this string of words stood out to me.

39. Peace, be still…

40. ..Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

I think Jesus was saying to the wind and the waves as much as to His friends, “Peace, Be Still.” Perhaps that’s what He’s saying to me.

Mid morning Ava turned music on my computer. The first one was, “All will be well,” by Gabe Dixon Band. It’s one I was editing one of our videos to a few months back.

“…all will be well,

Even though sometimes

This is hard to tell”

“All will be well.

You can ask me how but only time will tell.”

It’s interesting how things happen sometimes like that. How God speaks peace to us. How He gives us answers. Friday it was in scriptures and songs and words that came to mind.

I asked her to turn it up and we all started dancing. I danced and danced until I felt it too, almost.

Then other songs came on and the messages were similar.

“Hold on to me as we go…

As we roll down this unfamiliar road.

I know this wave, it’s stringing us along

Just know you’re not alone

Cause I’m gunna make this place your home.”

He’s paving the road, peace be still.

So on to our next step: rest assured, be still, and all will be well.

I just need to trust in that.

^^ I wrote that a few days ago

I planned on posting it over the weekend and didn’t get it around to it. But now I have an update to the story, so I thought I’d finish that here. 🙂

I can’t remember what made me think of it the other night, but I thought of some apartments, just a few blocks from us. A friend mentioned them to me a few weeks ago, but at the time we were focusing on getting into a house with a yard or waiting until we knew more about how long we’d be here. We thought surely something would turn up there.

It hasn’t. It’s ten days until we move, and we still don’t know how long we’ll be here, but we know this– a house just doesn’t feel right, neither does any other town. The price, the lease, all the logistics aren’t right, but especially the way we feel.

When I mentioned the apartments to Jake, we both felt a little relief, even excitement. MAYBE this was it!

I called the apartments in the morning to check for availability. Some three bedroom units just went on the market THAT DAY. And somehow we were first in line. We toured the place, noticed all the GOOD, and finally something felt so RIGHT! It’s nothing fancy, but it is so good in so many ways, especially their only option for lease– MONTH TO MONTH!

Who does that!?

And there’s more because we can still walk to all our favorite places downtown, stay close to our friends, and still go to the same place for church! And three bedrooms! (And cheaper than our place now) And windows that open!!

So we got it. It all worked out, so very well.

It’s interesting to me, the timing of things. Why the long wait, the last minute, the sweaty palms from holding on?

I could speculate some things or assume some things, and perhaps I wouldn’t have even considered it before. But I DO KNOW that this is all teaching me to TRUST. To trust in Him, to lean on Him, and to believe in good things to come. Because they do, eventually.

We’re still not sure the next step from here, as this is just a holding ground, but I’m convinced to believe in one fine thing, and that’s that

ALL WILL BE WELL.