Potty training the twins has been so interesting to me. I dreaded it and put it off and mentally geared myself up for it for weeks while they insisted on using the potty and tried to put on underwear. So when the rain came and planned to stick around for days, I figured we might as well go for it since we’d be staying inside a lot of the time anyway.
But I still dreaded it.
Monday morning I thought of a great heap of reasons why we should put it off another few days or weeks, but Ava was too excited to show them their new underwear and I’d been putting her off for just as long too.
So we did it, we’ve been doing it. Five days in and we’re still not in the clear, but we’re getting there! And it’s surprising to me how much I’ve been enjoying it. How in the world have I been enjoying it?!
I’ve been back to back wiping up messes, folding laundry, dumping potties, picking up juice boxes, and soaking up spills. We’ve been up a lot at night, up too early in the morning, and up more than my body seems up to. I’ve been so tired.
But I planned for this.
I planned to be 100% present and 100% WITH THEM. (Because how can you protect your couch without that?)
But that has made all the difference.
I think perhaps I have enjoyed my twins more than I ever have before. I’m enjoying them so much! We all are. I’ve laughed with them, cuddled with them, cheered for them. All day I read with them, played with them, LOOKED at them. Really saw them.
And now I see their squinty eyed, gap-toothed smiles as they lean their face into mine and feel my heart swell to bursting because of just how much I LOVE them. And I love this time with them. They are so adorable! So despite the challenges and the fatigue and the many moments I sink, I appreciate all this. It’s been so good.
And it’s inviting that much more joy in our home. #mamanotes
We’re supposed to be out of our apartment in a few months (we’ve outgrown the residents capacity limits) and we still aren’t sure where we’ll be after that. The project Jake is on for work goes for another year or so, but we’re not sure we’ll be on it until the end.
There’s a lot of unknown ahead.
We might rent a house, buy and fix up a house, move to a different project, a different company, start one of our own, go back to school, move out of the country…We have so many ideas and dreams and possibilities that we are considering, and we couldn’t be more excited about it all.
The overwhelm is there too. Uncertainty has a way of entreating us to fear or stress at times, but never doubt. We trust the outcome. But gosh it’s hard. We’ve moved often for work, all out of state, and almost every time we’ve packed up our stuff, we still didn’t know where we were going. But it always works out. We look back every time and see how God had been paving our way all along, leading us to each place of growth and joy, friendship and learning, all still with hard things and trial, but so very much for our good. Things always fell into place, often after we anticipated them, but so clearly in place.
So here we are, on the cusp of adventure once again, not knowing what’s ahead, preparing to move and not knowing where to or what. But we are so grateful for it. We love all the change. We know that it will all work out, things will come together and we’ll ultimately end up where the Lord wants us to be.
It’s exciting, really.
^^I wrote that a few months ago.
We’re two weeks out from moving and we’re still not sure where to.
I go back and forth with the question of whether or not to share our story while we’re living the messy part of it, the parts we don’t know the answers to, where we’re stressed or anxious or frustrated or down for one reason or another. Or even when we’re excited and hopeful and happy, but the experiences feel too personal to. We’re still riding the emotions, there’s no conclusion yet.
But often I do anyway. There’s insight in the moment that’s worth sharing because everyone else is in their moments too. Perhaps we can learn from one another or simply draw courage knowing hey, it’s hard for them too.
There’s been so much on my mind and in my heart lately. Some I’ll probably share later, but for now I thought I’d let you all in on this interesting experience we’re having in faith and figuring out.
We’re moving in two weeks, still not sure where to.
We’ve done a lot of praying, talking, home searching, all those things over and over a lot lately, just as we’ve done for months before. But nothing feels right. No town, no house, no opportunity.
It’s hard not knowing. We’re really having to put our faith to the test. But it’s hard with that too because though we’re reaching out to God for guidance, we know we need to make decisions and move forward too. There is so much unknown in our future as for how long we’ll be here and what we’ll be doing that we’re really not sure where to move forward to. I’m just wondering if there’s more we should be doing that we’re not. Or if we just need to stay calm and wait on things to unfold ahead. It’s hard to do that with just over two weeks left. But we can if that’s the way.
My prayers have gotten more sincere lately. I tell Him everything, and when my thoughts become overwhelming at times, I close the door to my room and pray, just to let it all out. Sometimes in my mind I imagine that He’s sitting right there with me. Heavenly Father has felt more like a friend and a father to me as I’ve reached out to Him as one. And that’s how I’ve been feeling His love in return. It’s powerful like that.
Even still, we’re both cracking a bit. I can feel the anxiety in my shaky legs and we’re both getting frustrated more easily. It’s all the underlying things, not the little ones they appear to be. We’ve all come down with strep this week, affected much worse than usual. Even our bodies are struggling with the stress.
We’ve had more discord lately too, and more love, often yo-yoing between the two. Sometimes about big things, but mostly about smaller things with frustration from the big ones. But always coming back with apologies and more love. I already feel like we’re stronger through it all. We picked back up the habit of reading and praying together every night, and we’re actually sticking to it. I think we both realize how much we need it.
So yes, there’s been a lot of angst and emotion and stress and also comfort, excitement, and peace. A lot of feeling both, a sway of such. We trust God, we know He’s going to lead us to a good place, it’s just hard to do all the figuring out that we need to (and to know when to let God take care of it.)
You know the phrase, let go and let God? I think the hardest thing with that is knowing when you’ve done enough on your end.
But the message I kept getting over the weekend was just that. In all the scriptures, the songs, and the words that would come to my head, the message was clear, “Peace, be still.” “All will be well.”
I did some New Testament reading Friday and then skipped back through to see where we were in our reading with the kids. I skipped back to Mark and saw the story of Jesus calming the tempest in the fourth chapter.
I had these verses highlighted, and this string of words stood out to me.
39. Peace, be still…
40. ..Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?
I think Jesus was saying to the wind and the waves as much as to His friends, “Peace, Be Still.” Perhaps that’s what He’s saying to me.
Mid morning Ava turned music on my computer. The first one was, “All will be well,” by Gabe Dixon Band. It’s one I was editing one of our videos to a few months back.
“…all will be well,
Even though sometimes
This is hard to tell”
“All will be well.
You can ask me how but only time will tell.”
It’s interesting how things happen sometimes like that. How God speaks peace to us. How He gives us answers. Friday it was in scriptures and songs and words that came to mind.
I asked her to turn it up and we all started dancing. I danced and danced until I felt it too, almost.
Then other songs came on and the messages were similar.
“Hold on to me as we go…
As we roll down this unfamiliar road.
I know this wave, it’s stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gunna make this place your home.”
He’s paving the road, peace be still.
So on to our next step: rest assured, be still, and all will be well.
I just need to trust in that.
^^ I wrote that a few days ago
I planned on posting it over the weekend and didn’t get it around to it. But now I have an update to the story, so I thought I’d finish that here. 🙂
I can’t remember what made me think of it the other night, but I thought of some apartments, just a few blocks from us. A friend mentioned them to me a few weeks ago, but at the time we were focusing on getting into a house with a yard or waiting until we knew more about how long we’d be here. We thought surely something would turn up there.
It hasn’t. It’s ten days until we move, and we still don’t know how long we’ll be here, but we know this– a house just doesn’t feel right, neither does any other town. The price, the lease, all the logistics aren’t right, but especially the way we feel.
When I mentioned the apartments to Jake, we both felt a little relief, even excitement. MAYBE this was it!
I called the apartments in the morning to check for availability. Some three bedroom units just went on the market THAT DAY. And somehow we were first in line. We toured the place, noticed all the GOOD, and finally something felt so RIGHT! It’s nothing fancy, but it is so good in so many ways, especially their only option for lease– MONTH TO MONTH!
Who does that!?
And there’s more because we can still walk to all our favorite places downtown, stay close to our friends, and still go to the same place for church! And three bedrooms! (And cheaper than our place now) And windows that open!!
So we got it. It all worked out, so very well.
It’s interesting to me, the timing of things. Why the long wait, the last minute, the sweaty palms from holding on?
I could speculate some things or assume some things, and perhaps I wouldn’t have even considered it before. But I DO KNOW that this is all teaching me to TRUST. To trust in Him, to lean on Him, and to believe in good things to come. Because they do, eventually.
We’re still not sure the next step from here, as this is just a holding ground, but I’m convinced to believe in one fine thing, and that’s that
It seems you’ve been seven long before today. Sometimes I forget how little you are. You recall little details, understand big things, and make friends of adults too.
But you’re still little.
The other day you had a meltdown about something I can’t remember, and as I held you in my lap you held your hands out to keep your sparkly nail polish from smearing. They are so little still.
You are colorful and fun and seem so much to want to connect your heart with others. You love creating and painting, wrestling on the bed, and you love to learn from stories. You can’t get enough stories.
I was surprised with your birthday request this year. I guess I figured you’d be interested in other things, but sure enough you twirl on your toes and love to take pictures, like me.
You asked for a camera for your birthday, and you couldn’t be more thrilled. You’ve been taking pictures all weekend, carefully selecting your favorites and deleting all the rest. All the while repeating things like, “Oh mom I just love this camera so much!” and “I’m just so happy I have this.”
We are so much alike— the way we dance for a pick me up, thrill in the sunshine, and cuddle up for books and good words.
I love spending this time with you.
You are light to me you know. Brilliant, beautiful light. You seem to be drawn to it too, soaking up every bit of truth and really recognizing it. I’ve thought often how quickly a soul can grow once here, because I’ve seen it in you. I’m sure you were much prepared in heaven.
You are ready to be here, Ava. Ready to do your part in this great time of times. That part will be important, I’m sure. I feel it in your excitement for life, your thrill for learning, and your testimony of truth.
Just glad you are still little, still growing, and that I still get to be a part of that.
We love you dearly Ava. You are a gift to the world and a beacon of light. Please keep sharing. Keep gathering that light and shine it like you do.
Esther and Thea turned one the other month and we showered them with love and frosted cake and celebrated the joy of having them with us the past year, and all throughout the day and the weeks before I just soaked in the emotion of it all and wondered if I could put it into words. After their birth it took me months to write down their birth story because I didn’t have the words to. It was such a special experience and I forfeited writing for a while because words just didn’t seem enough (and I was neck deep in newborn care.) I still have a hard time finding the right words for them. They are such a blessing! These babies have changed us, they have changed me from the inside out. Since their earliest growth inside me I feel I was pushed into a growth of my own, perhaps dumped out and replanted altogether. But I am gathering more sunlight than ever and couldn’t be happier.
It seems dreamy to me really, that we get to raise them and love them and watch them grow and laugh and play together. I don’t know why this was our gift, but sometimes I feel as though my heart could burst I am so grateful. Today they climbed up into their stroller and peaked up over the edge at me with the cutest top teeth and smiles that squinted their eyes. They seemed quite pleased with their accomplishment, climbing all the way up there the first time, and beamed all that joy back to me. I soaked it up.
They’re walking around now, beaming joy everywhere. And we are all soaking it up. Ava and Hyrum get excited about every new sound they make or thing they do, and when we’re all together playing steamroller on the rug or racing rolling down a hill, or even just watching a movie and eating crackers on the carpet together, I think about how wonderful it is to have them, all of them. I’ve noticed when I take pictures at home now there is so much going on, so many little faces and bodies going different directions, doing different things, playing with each other. I love it. My life is so different now than it was six years ago when I became a mother, it’s all the more hard and busy and wonderful and so many other things. And I am so grateful.
It was a quiet, sweet day. Our congregation was small and our family far away, but our hearts were so full. Our babies were blessed, and among other things that Jake mentioned, they were blessed to be a strength to one another in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, to help each other make good choices. That was comforting to me. Their blessings were so special. So grateful for the priesthood, the plan of happiness, and this sweet family of mine.
[About these pictures, I love them. I love the family pictures because they aren’t perfect. They show just how things have been lately– a lot going on. Happy faces, grumpy faces, spit up, and our favorite– all SIX of us together. I also love the pictures of just the twins because we are just starting to see their personalities and these pictures show some of that. They are the sweetest and we adore them!]
It was a quiet, sweet day. Our congregation was small and our family far away, but our hearts were so full. Our babies were blessed, and among other things that Jake mentioned, they were blessed to be a strength to one another in the Gospel of Jesus Christ, to help each other make good choices. That was comforting to me. Their blessings were so special. So grateful for the 
