Category Archives: Motherhood

Closer to Heaven

Last night when I tucked the kids in bed and reminded Ava to say her prayer, she didn’t say she was too tired but went right into it, thanking Heavenly Father for the beautiful Earth and that it could grow again, asking Him to bless the babies in mommy’s tummy and her daddy’s head to feel better. She went on to thank Him for so many things that day, told Him how she felt about things, and asked Him to help people she loved, even those she hasn’t seen in a while. I wish I could remember it all and how she said it, it was so sincere and real and heartfelt, like most of her prayers are. I think if we all learned to pray like that, we’d feel a lot closer to heaven. I sure did. #mamanotes

You Have Eyes Mommy

I walked into the kids room where Hyrum was laying quietly in his bed, struggling to fall asleep. I was so impressed that he stayed in his bed all this time. I sat at the edge of his feet and looked at the cutest little cheeks and big brown eyes.

“Hi Mom. I wanna snuggle you,” he said with that cute lisp of his.

I laid down next to him, my round belly touching his. He smiled as I snuggled my face up close to his.

“You has eyes mommy?” he said as he placed his finger on my eye.

“Yes I have eyes, and you have eyes too.”

“I have eyes too,” he repeated.

“You has chastick mommy,” he said pointing to my lips.

“Those are my lips, and you have lips too,” I said pointing to his.

“Ya I have wips too.”

He then pointed to my nose and other things in the room and we talked and snuggled for a few minutes.

Then I touched my nose to his and he giggled. He wrapped his little arm around my neck and pulled me in closer.

“I love you so much Hyrum.”

“I wuv you too Mommy.”

He turned his little body in his dragon pjs and shuffled down into his pillow, and I just wished so much that I could fold up this moment and tuck it away for when the years move on and my little boy grows. Surely I’ll wish to return to it, even for a moment.

I often find comfort thinking of the eternities and how everything will be made right and how redeeming and wonderful it all will be. But even with all those promised blessings I don’t think that I could ever get back this time with my little ones. I don’t know how it will all work out, but I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Time raises them from little infants to adults and these years are all we’ve got to teach them and love them and soak up the wonderful fleeting sweetness of it all. It’s a humbling reminder to me to cherishthem, to be present with them, to really really appreciate them. And when I’m given little gems of moments like tonight, I try to capture them in my heart and wrap them up in words the best I know how so that somehow I can return to those big brown eyes and little lisp and never ever forget. #mamanotes

Because I Feel Joy

I sat on the couch reading when I heard a few sniffles from the kitchen. Hyrum was in his highchair stuffing handfuls of popcorn into his mouth and Ava was at the table.

“Are you ok Ava?” I asked.

“Ya,” she reponded confidently.

A minute later she walked up to me with a handful of pictures she had gathered earlier from the front of the fridge. She leaned against me, holding the pictures out so I could see them. I looked down at some of my favorite pictures–of the Savior and the temple–then looked back at her. I noticed a little tear on the top of her cheek.

“You have a tear,” I said.

She nodded.

“How come you have a tear?”

She kept her eyes on the pictures in her hands.

“Because I feel joy.”

I felt the tears well above my cheeks and hugged her close enough to whisper.

“These things bring me joy too.”

Happiness has seemed largely elusive to me over the past few months. It’s been a hard time, and I have struggled to keep my head up.

So often I am lying on the couch, trying to pull myself out, trying to figure out how. Not that I’m trying to get off the couch–I’m supposed to be there, and have been the past six weeks.

But I’m trying to learn what it means to have joy in the midst of trial, when things aren’t so inherently happy and we have to push ourselves deeper to feel it. My whole life I’ve felt joy–it seems to come so easily in the good times and return quickly after the bad.

This time has been so different though.

Perhaps it’s because I’m still in the thick of the hard things–brilliant sunshine and steady air are still stretches ahead of me. But I also think there is much good in this–good that really doesn’t feel so happy, but is good for me. And maybe there is joy in that too.

I’ll tell you a little bit how. Lately I feel like I am learning what it means to really rely on God. I am learning how to trust more, hope more, endure more. But it doesn’t feel like blind trust or empty hope. It’s not at all. In the midst of my struggle, I am seeing how real and wonderful the Savior’s grace really is. As I have turned to Him so desperately at times, pleading for Him to take my hand and lift me, He does.

He really does lift me.

I wish I could describe it or even pinpoint exactly how I have felt strengthened, lifted, and loved, but I can’t really. I feel it though. It is real. And now when I think of Him, things are different. I can hardly keep the tears from swelling. I am so grateful for Him and what He suffered so that He could help me like this. I have felt His love AND His grace, and my heart is so much more full. So as much as I’ve been feeling my days to be dim, as much as I am struggling, my joy is still there. It’s more of a quiet, grateful feeling, but it is still there. And that’s enough for now.

Things are hard, but I am growing. Uncomfortably so, but it is still good. This kind of growth needs the rain just as much as it needs the sunshine. And the sunshine will come, soon enough.

Puddles, Snow, & Potty Training

Ava went with Jake to Bismarck today, so Hyrum and I got to spend a lot of time together–eating bowls of oranges, reading books, pulling all the clothes out of my dresser, laying on the couch, and jumping in piles of pillows on my bed… Obviously we weren’t together the whole time (my bedroom floor makes that clear), but I love that I can still hear his little voice in my head–“Wook a me Mom!” –And the way his eyes got all squinty when he jumped ’cause he was smiling so big. I just love being with him.

Last week we had warmer days, melting snow, and lots of outside playtime. The kids loved it (and I did too!) And between all the puddles, snow, and potty training, Hyrum was always running out of dry pants!

Now the temperatures have chilled, new snow has fallen, and Hyrum is back in diapers. And I’m totally ok with that because there are even more good things to come! My laundry is less, spring is just around the corner, and all is well when I hear Hyrum say, “I peed.” It’s great. (We gave it 3 weeks and as much as I wanted him to be, he just wasn’t ready. And that’s ok too.) #mamanotes

Buddies

Ava and I sat on my bed with our legs stretched out scooping the last of the crumbs from the bag of chips. It was quiet except for our talking and crunching and the few cars going by outside. “I can’t wait until Hyrum wakes up so I can play with him,” she said.
These two have been playing together a lot lately and it’s one of my favorite things. He follows her and copies her and runs around dancing and chasing monsters with her and she couldn’t love it more. And I’m right there with her. I couldn’t love it more. #mamanotes