Category Archives: Remember This

Walls

family with the Christus statue LDS

I sat against the wall in the hallway, resting for a minute while Hyrum finished his bath. Ava sat next to me while I opened my scriptures. “It’s been a few days since we’ve read and I’m feeling it,” I said. “Want to read some?”

She sat close to me and laid her head on my lap as I read. She was tired too. (We’re struggling for earlier bedtimes.)

We bathed and dressed everyone, and I prayed that I would find one of the twins’ shoes. We lost one at home and one at church last week and were left with two left ones. I tilted the basket down from the shelf and a bunch of their shoes and socks came tumbling out. I gathered the shoes and socks from the floor and under the crib where they had fallen, and found that all the shoes were there, all except for the one lost at church. I felt it was a gift and said a prayer of thanks.

We searched for snacks, handed out toys, read books, cleaned up messes, and tried our best to quiet our kids during church. In the middle of meetings I walked the rooms in search of the shoe and prayed again. I felt drawn to a little nook in the coat closet and found the little blue shoe behind some snow boots.

I was tired, and so grateful.

I sat in class next to some kind older women as some thoughts were shared. The teacher read the same scripture that I had read earlier with Ava and tears filled my eyes.

“Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee… Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.”

Those words went into my heart and I felt the truth of them. They filled me from the inside out. They were no longer just words of scripture, they were words to me— words from heaven that I needed to hear.

A wise friend once spoke of these walls. She said that it brought her great comfort to think of the Lord standing by her, seeing the same walls—challenges, struggles, and experiences—as her.

I am certain that Jesus Christ is so aware of us, even with us, in the things we are experiencing—loving, strengthening, and teaching us as we struggle, and when we let Him—even in the small things. It’s all things wonderful and so many things hard raising little ones, and I especially felt that love today.

#mamanotes​

family with the Christus statue LDS

Can you See Mt. Rushmore?

This time last year our girls were one month old, suffering from severe reflux and needing to be soothed around the clock. Summer had arrived and was entreating seemingly all but us to its pleasant reprieve and active adventures.

We were barely keeping our heads above water and rushed our tired bodies to bed each night as soon as the babies were soothed long enough for their first stretch of nighttime sleep. Free time was like the faint sighting of land while treading in a grey ocean. We weren’t discouraged or unhappy, we adored these babies with the biggest of grateful hearts! We were just tired, so tired.

I don’t remember what sparked the idea, perhaps some longing for a sense of normalcy, but we decided to take a trip to South Dakota to see Mt. Rushmore in the midst of all this. I don’t know how we managed to pack for our weekend trip, but somehow we made it on the road for a six hour ride and the aid of the car to soothe our girls to sleep. We figured we’d just be at home soothing them, we might as well take a ride in the car somewhere.

I remember the peace in that drive, the waves of prairie grass and the different colored cows. I grew such a love for driving through open spaces while living out there.

We visited Mt. Rushmore, and I remember being more intrigued with it than I thought I’d be. I would’ve even stayed to watch the movie about it if the babies weren’t crying and Hyrum climbing over seats. My favorite part though was driving through the surrounding Black Hills. It was so beautiful there!

At one point we stopped to eat and hike around a bit, and when we got to the top of the rocks we discovered a stunning view of the hills with Mt. Rushmore tucked right in the middle of them! That was a highlight for me. And just before we left, a mountain goat leaped across the rocks a few yards away from us. I think that was a highlight for Jake.

I don’t think we have ever been more exhausted on a trip, hardly managing a solid hour’s sleep. We forgot the babies’ rock n plays— the beds they are so accustomed to, that help with their reflux.— So we improvised an inclined bed in the base of their stroller, and although they looked cozy, we were up with them almost constantly it seemed.

But it was a taste of normalcy, this trip, just being out somewhere, especially somewhere new. Jake took the kids to breakfast and a park so I could sleep, and the older two got to swim with him at the water park hotel. And despite the exhaustion, we loved it and are so glad we went!

And oh to think how far we’ve come! Our baby girls are now our best sleepers! We are taking picnics, running through sprinklers, visiting family, and going away on the weekends. It is such a glorious time with these four little ones.

The other day I was at Trader Joe’s as the temperatures were first starting to warm, and I walked past a barrel of watermelons and a group of people barbecuing by the doorway. I smiled from ear to ear walking through those doors! Summer had arrived and it felt so nostalgic to me, so wonderfully, joyfully nostalgic, as though it had been a long while since I had played in it. But it really hadn’t been that long! Last summer was just so different.

Now the fun we are all enjoying this summer—the swimming, the smells, and the whole laid back feel of it—is somehow conjuring up the sweetest of summer memories from years ago. I am loving summer like never before, or perhaps all the years before, and that has been such a gift. #mamanotes

When you cannot do what you have always done

“When you cannot do what you have always done,
then you only do what matters most.” -Robert D. Hales

I have felt really exhausted lately. Rarely a good night’s rest, and so much to do on so little sleep. And free time, what’s that?

But two years ago a sweet sister missionary in our lds branch wrote this quote on a bookmark and gave it to me (before I even knew I was pregnant with twins). It’s from David A. Bednar’s conference talk a few years back, quoting Robert D. Hales. Little did she know how much I would entirely CLING to that comforting reminder two years down the road.

When I focus on the things that matter most, I can feel like I am doing enough. I am trying to remind myself that it IS enough, but what’s clear is that this is where my JOY is.

This morning I asked myself, “What is most important for me to do today?”  My mind was full of a hundred things I needed to do, or wanted to do, but only a few were MOST important.

Pray. Read my scriptures. Love on my family and take care of them. THIS is my joy.

Having done these things by the end of the day I felt like I was doing alright, despite all the things I didn’t do. These are what matter most, and “what matters most lasts the longest.”

Even then, I still managed to shower, put a few loads of laundry through (through, not folded and put away 🙂  read to my kids, feed them, take them to the park, write a mamanote, make soup for dinner, wash some dishes (after the kids went to bed), and order more binkis online.

I DIDN’T pick up the clutter, wipe down the counters, finish the dishes, vacuum the floors, CLEAN THE BATHROOMS (been on my list for a while now 🙈), go through those bills, research that baby rash, trim the kids’ nails, exercise, meal plan, edit pictures, order winter clothes for the kids and new sheets for us (completely ripped while I stood on them last week to get pictures of the twins,) update my blog, play with my kids more, make family videos, take a nap, among so many other things I needed or wanted to do. (This is still a HUGE improvement from a few months ago when I hardly had time to pour myself a bowl of cereal and eat it.)

But somehow, I feel ok with that. Those things will move over to tomorrow’s list, but today I filled with the most important things, and that is always enough.

#mamanotes

Closer to Heaven

Last night when I tucked the kids in bed and reminded Ava to say her prayer, she didn’t say she was too tired but went right into it, thanking Heavenly Father for the beautiful Earth and that it could grow again, asking Him to bless the babies in mommy’s tummy and her daddy’s head to feel better. She went on to thank Him for so many things that day, told Him how she felt about things, and asked Him to help people she loved, even those she hasn’t seen in a while. I wish I could remember it all and how she said it, it was so sincere and real and heartfelt, like most of her prayers are. I think if we all learned to pray like that, we’d feel a lot closer to heaven. I sure did. #mamanotes

You Have Eyes Mommy

I walked into the kids room where Hyrum was laying quietly in his bed, struggling to fall asleep. I was so impressed that he stayed in his bed all this time. I sat at the edge of his feet and looked at the cutest little cheeks and big brown eyes.

“Hi Mom. I wanna snuggle you,” he said with that cute lisp of his.

I laid down next to him, my round belly touching his. He smiled as I snuggled my face up close to his.

“You has eyes mommy?” he said as he placed his finger on my eye.

“Yes I have eyes, and you have eyes too.”

“I have eyes too,” he repeated.

“You has chastick mommy,” he said pointing to my lips.

“Those are my lips, and you have lips too,” I said pointing to his.

“Ya I have wips too.”

He then pointed to my nose and other things in the room and we talked and snuggled for a few minutes.

Then I touched my nose to his and he giggled. He wrapped his little arm around my neck and pulled me in closer.

“I love you so much Hyrum.”

“I wuv you too Mommy.”

He turned his little body in his dragon pjs and shuffled down into his pillow, and I just wished so much that I could fold up this moment and tuck it away for when the years move on and my little boy grows. Surely I’ll wish to return to it, even for a moment.

I often find comfort thinking of the eternities and how everything will be made right and how redeeming and wonderful it all will be. But even with all those promised blessings I don’t think that I could ever get back this time with my little ones. I don’t know how it will all work out, but I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Time raises them from little infants to adults and these years are all we’ve got to teach them and love them and soak up the wonderful fleeting sweetness of it all. It’s a humbling reminder to me to cherishthem, to be present with them, to really really appreciate them. And when I’m given little gems of moments like tonight, I try to capture them in my heart and wrap them up in words the best I know how so that somehow I can return to those big brown eyes and little lisp and never ever forget. #mamanotes