Category Archives: spring

When Mother’s Day Doesn’t Go Your Way

“Mom remember this morning how Thea had poop on her finger and we couldn’t figure out where it came from? Well we found it! It’s in your closet!”

Jake and I slumped on the couch together at 9pm, wondering, with partial desperation (but mostly just exhaustion) why the day was so hard. Except we knew largely why. It was Mother’s Day and the twins’ birthday and a whole clumpful of mixed expectations and efforts along with all the usual mess and mishaps (and lots of noise).

Add in my efforts to try to get a nice picture of all four of them together (because they were already dressed and looking nice for church) and everyone’s frustrations festered. I still didn’t end up getting it, at least not in their nice clothes.

It was funny (and not funny) throughout the day just thinking about everything that was happening. The twins fighting over their new toys, Ava yelling that she hated me, and Hyrum locking himself out of the apartment to pout. Esther was crying most of the day because she didn’t have the other stroller or she couldn’t fit her baby in just right, and the other kids whined and teased each other enough that I just laughed when we all sat down to eat brownies and ice cream because it was the quietest the house had been ALL DAY. We cringed at the thought of what our neighbors were thinking. We were all in need of a reset.

That reset came today. Jake and I got up before the kids to get ready for the day, and when Hyrum came into my room after waking I just held him. “I love you Mom,” he said, hugging me back.

I hugged them all as they woke up, looked into their little wanting eyes, and really looked, really listened. I moved along with their ideas and shooed away any thoughts of expectation. We fetched balloons from the grass, watched the wind move the leaves, and built train tracks. We still had tears and complaining and fits about strollers, but we were calmer, we had space to be calmer. And I really tried to hold that space too.

When Jake pulled up at the end of the day, we were already playing on the field. He joined in our frisbee throwing while the twins giggled holding hands and Hyrum rode his bike.

This is parenthood, I thought. It’s a mix of a lot of things, and certainly a lot that is hard. But a lot of it is fun and more of it is filling and all of it is growth. All of it is love. All of it is worth it. And I really love it all.

#mamanotes

One Year

Esther and Thea turned one the other month and we showered them with love and frosted cake and celebrated the joy of having them with us the past year, and all throughout the day and the weeks before I just soaked in the emotion of it all and wondered if I could put it into words.  After their birth it took me months to write down their birth story because I didn’t have the words to. It was such a special experience and I forfeited writing for a while because words just didn’t seem enough (and I was neck deep in newborn care.)  I still  have a hard time finding the right words for them. They are such a blessing! These babies have changed us, they have changed me from the inside out. Since their earliest growth inside me I feel I was pushed into a growth of my own, perhaps dumped out and replanted altogether. But I am gathering more sunlight than ever and couldn’t be happier.

It seems dreamy to me really, that we get to raise them and love them and watch them grow and laugh and play together. I don’t know why this was our gift, but sometimes I feel as though my heart could burst I am so grateful. Today they climbed up into their stroller and peaked up over the edge at me with the cutest top teeth and smiles that squinted their eyes. They seemed quite pleased with their accomplishment, climbing all the way up there the first time, and beamed all that joy back to me. I soaked it up.

They’re walking around now, beaming joy everywhere. And we are all soaking it up. Ava and Hyrum get excited about every new sound they make or thing they do, and when we’re all together playing steamroller on the rug or racing rolling down a hill, or even just watching a movie and eating crackers on the carpet together, I think about how wonderful it is to have them, all of them.  I’ve noticed when I take pictures at home now there is so much going on, so many little faces and bodies going different directions, doing different things, playing with each other. I love it. My life is so different now than it was six years ago when I became a mother, it’s all the more hard and busy and wonderful and so many other things. And I am so grateful.

Good Things to Come

There’s a lilac tree behind our old house in North Dakota that blooms this time of year. We first arrived there in the fall and its leaves were green and soon to turn. Little did we know that it would bloom in the loveliest shades of purple just a few months later.

At the end of our first [cold and windy] winter we anxiously waited for new life on the trees and leaped in excitement when all the tiny buds started to appear. We wondered what kind of tree this would be, and waited, hopefully, for flowers. Then it sprouted little leaves! —then tiny blossoms that grew and puffed into copious shapes of butterflies! It was beautiful and refreshing and we loved it so much.

It was our favorite tree. It gave the sweet aroma of spring and new life and hope for such good things to come. And there were so many good things that came. Long days in the sun, dear friends, new landscapes, and sweet time together. And of course the happiest news of our twins to be.

Then the winter came again. It swept the branches bare and gave some very dark, cold days. It was long and hard and I was very much pregnant with twins. I often looked through my kitchen window to find a blue bird or a bunny finding comfort under those branches, as if to bring me comfort too.

We left for Utah in early April when snow still covered the roads and fresh color seemed elusive. The twins were born in May and with their blessed arrival we began a trying journey through what Jake and I would call three of the hardest months of our lives. Rest was elusive for all of us, and the babies struggled so much in their little bodies. It was hard to see a light of normalcy ahead.

springtime backyard

One week in, we returned to our home in ND and there found the prettiest purple blossoms welcoming us home. This simple backyard bush gave the sweet aroma of spring and new life and hope for good things to come. And there have been so many good things. Two healthy little girls, three states to explore, four times the strength I’m guessing we used to have, and a joy greater than we could have imagined.  We couldn’t be more grateful for where it all has brought us. Definitely closer, and surely blessed. #mamanotes

More Shaping Moments

I did it again– I added a lot of new posts all at once. Sorry! They are mostly my own journal entries about the struggles I’ve had this pregnancy and how I’ve been learning to overcome and get through them.  At the time I didn’t really feel like sharing them because they were so raw and personal, but I feel like there is value in sharing what I’m learning and what has really helped me get through. I’ve back-posted them all so they coordinate with the right dates. I mixed in a few mama notes as well that I recorded during those times.

Also, we’re 37 weeks!! Can you believe we’ve made it this far?? Such a happy, wonderful thing. My induction date is set for this Friday at 38 weeks, so in just four more days (or less) we’ll be doubling our kids and adding a beautiful new dimension to our family! We can’t wait to meet our girls!

36 Weeks

We made it to 36 weeks!! I’m sitting here in my bedroom, blue sky and blustery wind outside my window, and feeling so so grateful. The trees have leaves here! Everything is green and blossoming, and I can’t help but feel the excitement of new life and growth and warmth again!

We are in Utah now; the kids and I have been here for four weeks. And as hard as it was to make the decision, the peace and help and goodness we have felt being here with family has been sunshine to my soul. We really needed it, we all did.

I felt like with the twins coming soon I was like a broken ship headed into a storm. We were surviving, we had such kind help from so many in our church branch (did I mention they also threw me a beautiful baby shower with only two days notice before I left?! It was the most amazing, humbling, heart filling thing to me) and we were making things work back at home in North Dakota, but it was hard and my spirits were sinking.
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Jake was recovering from a head injury and was busy with work as well as serving as branch president at church, and I was trying hard to take care of things at home and feeling so stuck, so low, and desperately craving a change in scenery after such a long winter inside (and on the couch on bedrest :/) We were making do, but it was hard, and we had so much family begging us to come to Utah so they could help us.

So we made the decision for the kids and I to come to Utah. It has been wonderful!! I feel so grateful for this time that we’ve had in Utah and for all the help we are receiving. It has been healing in so many ways.

After some contractions last Saturday night, Jake is here with us too! I am feeling so blessed, so happy, so grateful, and so excited. My heart is so full thinking about the kindness we’ve received over the past few months from friends and branch members and family and also thinking about such good things to come.