When We Believe

2020-12-10

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We always thought that we’d spend a few years living internationally.

It was a goal, in a way, a dream even, especially for Jake. He joined a company out of college in part because of their work all over the world and opportunities for that.

So far it has taken us to a handful of places across the country that we’ve grown to love. We imagined our next project would be the right timing for an international assignment when this one ended this year. Perhaps Australia, Europe, the Middle East. It all enticed us with the opportunity for experience–for all of us.

We planned to spend maybe seven more years living in diverse places and then settle down and build our own home on a piece of land somewhere closer to family.

Covid changed trajectories for a lot of people, and we did not escape its course derailing. There’s still hope for the possibility of international living in our future, we haven’t closed those doors, but it’s interesting to me that even before covid, before the world stopped and changed so many plans, I was already feeling the desire to change mine.

The summer before last we stumbled upon a piece of land among sprawling pastures and green hills and my heart drew me in to the possibility of settling down, sooner. I felt drawn to this land like nothing before. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was breathtaking! My mind caught hold on all the possibilities of working together on our own piece of land, sooner, and my dreams started building themselves.

We researched the land and considered our options, but still the price and so many unknowns in our future seemed daunting at best. We didn’t know where our next job would be, how we could afford it, or how it would all work out, but when I starting thinking on these things, a whisper of encouragement often entered my mind,

“With God all things are possible.”

It was subtle yet unmistakable, because I knew the whisperer.

I just needed to trust Him.

I clung to those whispers to hold onto hope and possibility and started building my dreams until one day in prayer He whispered to me again. I felt it so clearly in my heart and in my mind.

We had arranged the financing, researched the land, worked with the agent, and considered our plans, praying for help and guidance through it all.

A few days before we put in an offer on the land, I prayed to Heavenly Father about it all and asked if we should move forward with it.

That’s when He whispered to my heart again. It was an overwhelming love, a distinctly fatherly love so encouraging, and I felt Him say, “Go get it, I’ve got your back.”

For the past year I have clung to those words and that feeling as people changed plans, better offers came in, and we stepped in hole after hole in our efforts to obtain it. But God was planting seeds in those holes, and those whispers gave me hope enough to believe it, even while our feet felt stuck.

Over the past year with each offer and change and roadblock, my heart would sink and anxious stirrings captured my thoughts for a time. But then I would settle, and I’d remember that God keeps His word. And I’d remember the words He shared with me, the whispers that I felt, and I’d keep hoping.

I remember when I first felt that assurance I told Jake, “Even if we hit roadblocks or if other offers come in, or whatever, I just know that He is going to help us get it. I just know it.”

That’s how powerful connections with heaven can be. That’s why we need to record and remember them.

And we need to believe.

Now here we are, 16 months since those first whispers to my heart and the land is finally OURS. 😭🙏❤️

God is real. His love is real, and so is His help.

He is over all, so aware of us and desiring to help us if we trust Him, if we hope, if we BELIEVE He will.

We still have challenges, but it’s the greatest feeling having God on our team. I feel so very hopeful! I KNOW that with God ALL things ARE possible.

#mamanotes

“God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future–to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.
God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe.”
-Jeffrey R. Holland

I wrote an instagram post back in July of 2019 when I first saw the land, a year and a half ago. It’s beautiful to me to look back on that hope and those dreams that I’m still dreaming. They are so much closer now. <3

You can read it here.

Oregon Coast Road Trip

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We took a road trip to Oregon in the fall of last year. It was one of those trips I wanted to take for years, and one I often think about since.

Sometimes we even dream of buying a little cottage along a river nestled in those pines and wild blackberry bushes, minutes from the coast, even for just a year or two. It’s a happy thought I dream of from time to time.

Someday we’ll be back, if for nothing else than to feel the thrill of our heart’s content.

This was a last minute trip (as most of our trips are). We had hardly a plan except to explore and enjoy, which landed us on top of a volcano, through the cityscape, and to the sands of the pacific just on day two. We struggled to find a place to stay each night (it was Labor Day weekend) but ended up with just what we needed.

In four days we totaled 31 hours of driving in the car, but we mixed it up with park stops, beach play, and lots and lots of snacks. And the drive was half the fun with all the beauty we got to see together!

It was an incredible trip, one of my very, very favorites.

Oregon Coast Road Trip | thatwemighthavejoy.com

When Mother’s Day Doesn’t Go Your Way

2019-05-14

“Mom remember this morning how Thea had poop on her finger and we couldn’t figure out where it came from? Well we found it! It’s in your closet!”

Jake and I slumped on the couch together at 9pm, wondering, with partial desperation (but mostly just exhaustion) why the day was so hard. Except we knew largely why. It was Mother’s Day and the twins’ birthday and a whole clumpful of mixed expectations and efforts along with all the usual mess and mishaps (and lots of noise).

Add in my efforts to try to get a nice picture of all four of them together (because they were already dressed and looking nice for church) and everyone’s frustrations festered. I still didn’t end up getting it, at least not in their nice clothes.

It was funny (and not funny) throughout the day just thinking about everything that was happening. The twins fighting over their new toys, Ava yelling that she hated me, and Hyrum locking himself out of the apartment to pout. Esther was crying most of the day because she didn’t have the other stroller or she couldn’t fit her baby in just right, and the other kids whined and teased each other enough that I just laughed when we all sat down to eat brownies and ice cream because it was the quietest the house had been ALL DAY. We cringed at the thought of what our neighbors were thinking. We were all in need of a reset.

That reset came today. Jake and I got up before the kids to get ready for the day, and when Hyrum came into my room after waking I just held him. “I love you Mom,” he said, hugging me back.

I hugged them all as they woke up, looked into their little wanting eyes, and really looked, really listened. I moved along with their ideas and shooed away any thoughts of expectation. We fetched balloons from the grass, watched the wind move the leaves, and built train tracks. We still had tears and complaining and fits about strollers, but we were calmer, we had space to be calmer. And I really tried to hold that space too.

When Jake pulled up at the end of the day, we were already playing on the field. He joined in our frisbee throwing while the twins giggled holding hands and Hyrum rode his bike.

This is parenthood, I thought. It’s a mix of a lot of things, and certainly a lot that is hard. But a lot of it is fun and more of it is filling and all of it is growth. All of it is love. All of it is worth it. And I really love it all.

#mamanotes

All Will Be Well

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We’re supposed to be out of our apartment in a few months (we’ve outgrown the residents capacity limits) and we still aren’t sure where we’ll be after that. The project Jake is on for work goes for another year or so, but we’re not sure we’ll be on it until the end.

There’s a lot of unknown ahead.

We might rent a house, buy and fix up a house, move to a different project, a different company, start one of our own, go back to school, move out of the country…We have so many ideas and dreams and possibilities that we are considering, and we couldn’t be more excited about it all.

The overwhelm is there too. Uncertainty has a way of entreating us to fear or stress at times, but never doubt. We trust the outcome. But gosh it’s hard. We’ve moved often for work, all out of state, and almost every time we’ve packed up our stuff, we still didn’t know where we were going. But it always works out. We look back every time and see how God had been paving our way all along, leading us to each place of growth and joy, friendship and learning, all still with hard things and trial, but so very much for our good. Things always fell into place, often after we anticipated them, but so clearly in place.

So here we are, on the cusp of adventure once again, not knowing what’s ahead, preparing to move and not knowing where to or what. But we are so grateful for it. We love all the change. We know that it will all work out, things will come together and we’ll ultimately end up where the Lord wants us to be.

It’s exciting, really.

^^I wrote that a few months ago.

We’re two weeks out from moving and we’re still not sure where to.

I go back and forth with the question of whether or not to share our story while we’re living the messy part of it, the parts we don’t know the answers to, where we’re stressed or anxious or frustrated or down for one reason or another. Or even when we’re excited and hopeful and happy, but the experiences feel too personal to. We’re still riding the emotions, there’s no conclusion yet.

But often I do anyway. There’s insight in the moment that’s worth sharing because everyone else is in their moments too. Perhaps we can learn from one another or simply draw courage knowing hey, it’s hard for them too.

There’s been so much on my mind and in my heart lately. Some I’ll probably share later, but for now I thought I’d let you all in on this interesting experience we’re having in faith and figuring out.

We’re moving in two weeks, still not sure where to.

We’ve done a lot of praying, talking, home searching, all those things over and over a lot lately, just as we’ve done for months before. But nothing feels right. No town, no house, no opportunity.

It’s hard not knowing. We’re really having to put our faith to the test. But it’s hard with that too because though we’re reaching out to God for guidance, we know we need to make decisions and move forward too. There is so much unknown in our future as for how long we’ll be here and what we’ll be doing that we’re really not sure where to move forward to. I’m just wondering if there’s more we should be doing that we’re not. Or if we just need to stay calm and wait on things to unfold ahead. It’s hard to do that with just over two weeks left. But we can if that’s the way.

My prayers have gotten more sincere lately. I tell Him everything, and when my thoughts become overwhelming at times, I close the door to my room and pray, just to let it all out. Sometimes in my mind I imagine that He’s sitting right there with me. Heavenly Father has felt more like a friend and a father to me as I’ve reached out to Him as one. And that’s how I’ve been feeling His love in return. It’s powerful like that.

Even still, we’re both cracking a bit. I can feel the anxiety in my shaky legs and we’re both getting frustrated more easily. It’s all the underlying things, not the little ones they appear to be. We’ve all come down with strep this week, affected much worse than usual. Even our bodies are struggling with the stress.

We’ve had more discord lately too, and more love, often yo-yoing between the two. Sometimes about big things, but mostly about smaller things with frustration from the big ones. But always coming back with apologies and more love. I already feel like we’re stronger through it all. We picked back up the habit of reading and praying together every night, and we’re actually sticking to it. I think we both realize how much we need it.

So yes, there’s been a lot of angst and emotion and stress and also comfort, excitement, and peace. A lot of feeling both, a sway of such. We trust God, we know He’s going to lead us to a good place, it’s just hard to do all the figuring out that we need to (and to know when to let God take care of it.)

You know the phrase, let go and let God? I think the hardest thing with that is knowing when you’ve done enough on your end.

But the message I kept getting over the weekend was just that. In all the scriptures, the songs, and the words that would come to my head, the message was clear, “Peace, be still.” “All will be well.”

I did some New Testament reading Friday and then skipped back through to see where we were in our reading with the kids. I skipped back to Mark and saw the story of Jesus calming the tempest in the fourth chapter.

I had these verses highlighted, and this string of words stood out to me.

39. Peace, be still…

40. ..Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

I think Jesus was saying to the wind and the waves as much as to His friends, “Peace, Be Still.” Perhaps that’s what He’s saying to me.

Mid morning Ava turned music on my computer. The first one was, “All will be well,” by Gabe Dixon Band. It’s one I was editing one of our videos to a few months back.

“…all will be well,

Even though sometimes

This is hard to tell”

“All will be well.

You can ask me how but only time will tell.”

It’s interesting how things happen sometimes like that. How God speaks peace to us. How He gives us answers. Friday it was in scriptures and songs and words that came to mind.

I asked her to turn it up and we all started dancing. I danced and danced until I felt it too, almost.

Then other songs came on and the messages were similar.

“Hold on to me as we go…

As we roll down this unfamiliar road.

I know this wave, it’s stringing us along

Just know you’re not alone

Cause I’m gunna make this place your home.”

He’s paving the road, peace be still.

So on to our next step: rest assured, be still, and all will be well.

I just need to trust in that.

^^ I wrote that a few days ago

I planned on posting it over the weekend and didn’t get it around to it. But now I have an update to the story, so I thought I’d finish that here. 🙂

I can’t remember what made me think of it the other night, but I thought of some apartments, just a few blocks from us. A friend mentioned them to me a few weeks ago, but at the time we were focusing on getting into a house with a yard or waiting until we knew more about how long we’d be here. We thought surely something would turn up there.

It hasn’t. It’s ten days until we move, and we still don’t know how long we’ll be here, but we know this– a house just doesn’t feel right, neither does any other town. The price, the lease, all the logistics aren’t right, but especially the way we feel.

When I mentioned the apartments to Jake, we both felt a little relief, even excitement. MAYBE this was it!

I called the apartments in the morning to check for availability. Some three bedroom units just went on the market THAT DAY. And somehow we were first in line. We toured the place, noticed all the GOOD, and finally something felt so RIGHT! It’s nothing fancy, but it is so good in so many ways, especially their only option for lease– MONTH TO MONTH!

Who does that!?

And there’s more because we can still walk to all our favorite places downtown, stay close to our friends, and still go to the same place for church! And three bedrooms! (And cheaper than our place now) And windows that open!!

So we got it. It all worked out, so very well.

It’s interesting to me, the timing of things. Why the long wait, the last minute, the sweaty palms from holding on?

I could speculate some things or assume some things, and perhaps I wouldn’t have even considered it before. But I DO KNOW that this is all teaching me to TRUST. To trust in Him, to lean on Him, and to believe in good things to come. Because they do, eventually.

We’re still not sure the next step from here, as this is just a holding ground, but I’m convinced to believe in one fine thing, and that’s that

ALL WILL BE WELL.

One Year

2018-07-17

Esther and Thea turned one the other month and we showered them with love and frosted cake and celebrated the joy of having them with us the past year, and all throughout the day and the weeks before I just soaked in the emotion of it all and wondered if I could put it into words. After their birth it took me months to write down their birth story because I didn’t have the words to. It was such a special experience and I forfeited writing for a while because words just didn’t seem enough (and I was neck deep in newborn care.) I still have a hard time finding the right words for them. They are such a blessing! These babies have changed us, they have changed me from the inside out. Since their earliest growth inside me I feel I was pushed into a growth of my own, perhaps dumped out and replanted altogether. But I am gathering more sunlight than ever and couldn’t be happier.

It seems dreamy to me really, that we get to raise them and love them and watch them grow and laugh and play together. I don’t know why this was our gift, but sometimes I feel as though my heart could burst I am so grateful. Today they climbed up into their stroller and peaked up over the edge at me with the cutest top teeth and smiles that squinted their eyes. They seemed quite pleased with their accomplishment, climbing all the way up there the first time, and beamed all that joy back to me. I soaked it up.

They’re walking around now, beaming joy everywhere. And we are all soaking it up. Ava and Hyrum get excited about every new sound they make or thing they do, and when we’re all together playing steamroller on the rug or racing rolling down a hill, or even just watching a movie and eating crackers on the carpet together, I think about how wonderful it is to have them, all of them. I’ve noticed when I take pictures at home now there is so much going on, so many little faces and bodies going different directions, doing different things, playing with each other. I love it. My life is so different now than it was six years ago when I became a mother, it’s all the more hard and busy and wonderful and so many other things. And I am so grateful.