It was late when we finally got to bed. We stayed up to finish a docudrama on Netflix, and even though I was so tired, my heart was heavy and my thoughts weighed on deeper things. It was hard to sleep. Have you seen “The Heavy Water War?” It was very well done and an interesting part of WWII that I didn’t know much about. I appreciated it.
I was in suspense through a great deal of it, probably because I knew that what was depicted actually happened in a way, and real lives were at stake at one point. Maybe that’s just me getting too into it. But it made me think of war and all the other terrible things that consume our world right now, and my heart was heavy.
I realized I had missed my scripture reading in the morning, so I opened my scriptures. I am currently reading in the Old Testament and the Book of Mormon. I had been reading a while in Exodus, so I wanted to read in the Book of Mormon that night. Where I picked up in my reading couldn’t have been more fitting, and it was just what I needed. I read in Alma 28 where the Nephites and the Lamanites were in a great battle, greater than any those nations had seen. Tens of thousands were slain.
Alma recounts,
4 And now this was a time that there was a great mourning and lamentation heard throughout all the land, among all the people of Nephi—
5 Yea, the cry of widows mourning for their husbands, and also of fathers mourning for their sons, and the daughter for the brother, yea, the brother for the father; and thus the cry of mourning was heard among all of them, mourning for their kindred who had been slain.
That really happened too. I imagine that’s what it was like in WWII during all of that destruction. Many other conflicts throughout the world still bring that kind of devastating sorrow, and it weighed heavy on my heart as I thought about it all.
Now in this chapter Alma doesn’t give a lengthy reassurance of peace and happy endings like many other passages of scripture do. I really love those. But what he does say is all that needed to be said for me to feel peace.
14 …And thus we see the great reason of sorrow, and also of rejoicing—sorrow because of death and destruction among men, and joy because of the light of Christ unto life.“
How wonderful. Destruction and evil may rage, but we can still have joy because of the light of Christ unto life. The Savior has overcome it all, and because of Him, we can too. He gives us every reason to hope for a better world.
“Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God.” (Ether 12:4)
And with that I went right to sleep.
I have such a love for the Book of Mormon. So often it is just what I need to hear.
I ran from the car to the front door with my arms full of slipping blankets and jackets, a bag of prescriptions, a baby on my hip and my four year old trailing behind. “I’m gunna pee my pants. I’m gunna pee my pants.” WHERE ARE MY KEYS?!
In we go. run run run!
I had a uti this morning and once I got in the bathroom I didn’t want to come out. Know the feeling?
Today I’m feeling grateful for good health. And medicine and doctors and cars and available doctor’s appointments.
I know this is such a small thing, but sometimes it’s nice to have these little experiences to remind me that I am so blessed and life is going well and we are so fortunate to have our good health when so many do not.
This morning when the symptoms were in the minor stages and I really hoped I could just flush everything away with water and not have to pack up my kids and go to the doctor and pay all that money and then go to the pharmacy—all the while going crazy because I was feeling so uncomfortable–I asked Ava if she would say the prayer on our breakfast and bless me too that I might feel better.
She did, and I was hopeful, for 30 minutes or so.
And then I started feeling worse. It quickly progressed and knowing how this goes I wasted no time making a doctor’s appointment, and then rush rush rush out the door to make it in time.
Ava seemed a little confused when I told her we were going to the doctor so I could feel better. Every time we prayed to find the remote or my keys or her toy, we would find it. Why didn’t this prayer work?
These are times when I am grateful for faith. Faith reassures us that when we pray to God, He listens and He cares. And then He answers them in His own way, in His own timing, all for our greater good.
But why did I have to go to the doctor and spend that time and money and discomfort when He could just make it go away?
Why is life so hard?
I know I would be a far more lazy, entitled, unsympathetic person if life was easy and my prayers were always answered the way I wanted them too. I wouldn’t learn patience and humility and I certainly wouldn’t have much compassion for others in trying circumstances. I wouldn’t know how to really love. I wouldn’t learn how to endure, to commit. I would throw my hands up and jump ship if things didn’t go my way. I would be self obsessed and anything but enjoyable to be around. And I know for certain that motherhood would be pretty much impossible.
Regardless of circumstances, I trust God because I have learned time and time again that He knows what He’s doing. Things always turn out better when I let Him work things out and I let go. And wow, I’m really glad He didn’t answer this prayer or that one the way I wanted because things would have been a whole lot different if we got that job and ended up there, or bought that house that went upside down. Many times the things we wish with our whole hearts, the really good things, don’t work out like we hoped and prayed and prayed that they would. I don’t mean to trivialize the really hard things–the traumatic, heart breaking, real test of endurance kinds of experiences, those often require lengthy time for grief or understanding. Sometimes understanding doesn’t ever come in this life. But faith can still be there, and it will always lift us up when we are ready.
So I am grateful that we have a God who understands life a lot better than we do, who knows what will ultimately bring us growth and happiness–what will ultimately bring us back to Him.
We are often reminded in the scriptures that “all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good.” And then the comforting, faith inspiring promise, “Therefore, hold on thy way…for God shall be with you forever and ever.”
I love this comforting reassurance Linda Reeves gave in General Conference last year– She reminded us from the scriptures that “this life is the time to prepare to meet God,” not the time to receive all our blessings. She said, “I do not know why we have the many trials that we have, but it is my personal feeling that the reward is so great, so eternal and everlasting, so joyful and beyond our understanding that in that day of reward, we may feel to say to our merciful, loving Father, ‘Was that all that was required?’ What will it matter, dear sisters, what we suffered here if, in the end, those trials are the very things which qualify us for eternal life and exaltation in the kingdom of God with our Father and Savior?”
I believe that’s true.
So while we drove to the doctor I told Ava that I know that Heavenly Father heard our prayer. He wants me to get better too, but sometimes getting better right away isn’t always the best thing for us. Sometimes we need to experience hard or uncomfortable things so that we can become better and stronger than we were before, so that we can help other people, and so we can become who we need to be to return to our heavenly home. And that makes it all worth it.
I don’t know that she really understood, but someday she will, I hope she will. My faith has carried me through my trials and I know it will for her too. #mamanotes
(We played on the frozen lake up here in North Dakota. Winter’s quite fun this way.)
How is it that dishes have such an influence on my day?!
I let the dishes pile up the day before yesterday. and yesterday. and today. ahh.
After breakfast I was in a sort of bad mood, not angry, just tired and totally unmotivated. Between all the requests for milk and food and all the clean up that comes with it, I probably passed by the dishes 20 times, feeling even more tired and just blah by the time 11am rolled around. I really think it was those dishes.
I fixed the kids some lunch, cringing at the sight of more dirty dishes. By then I thought, “these are probably the most dishes I have ever had in my sink.” So, while Hyrum continued to paint the highchair tray with spaghetti sauce, I turned on some relaxing music and starting washing (no dishwasher here.)
You guys, this was like magic. It was like I melted. All that tenseness, grumpiness, whatever it was, totally went away the more I washed those dishes. By the time I was halfway done, my headache was gone and I just felt so much happier. Phew!
If I can offer some advice (to myself especially)… just do it. Take your break, then put on some good music and decide you are going to make the best of it. Whatever it is, overflowing dishes, laundry, TAXES, making that phone call, get it done and over with so you can embrace the day easier. It feels so much better.
typical winter get up in our house
And one more note of something that has been helpful recently…
If you have a a big sweet tooth like me and occasionally get caught in the sugar craving trap, put off the sugar until as late in the day as possible.
I’m not saying don’t eat sugar at all (I’m sure that’s ideal, but this is realistic and totally do-able.) I’m just saying that the days when I eat sweeter foods for breakfast, I want them the rest of the day. The later I can procrastinate (finally a positive thing!) eating sugary foods (like juice, cereal, etc.) or treats, the less I even want them! And then I’ll have some later in the day and it doesn’t have as much of an influence on my cravings. Nice!
Then again, if you can avoid sugary foods all together, go you! And if you don’t even care much for sugar, (like my husband) lucky you. The rest of us will just eat that pan of brownies for you. 😉
I have rearranged some things in my life to make everything fit a little better, to make everything feel better.
I still got a little teary-eyed looking at my photography website today, I’ll be taking it down in a few days. I decided a few months ago to close this chapter of working as a professional photographer at this time in my life. It’s hard to describe the feeling, but it’s a good one. As I sat alone in the basement of our home watching these slideshows on my website, I felt this peaceful sense of accomplishment, that I did this really challenging, wonderful thing that I’ve always wanted to do, and I actually made something of it.
When I was in fourth grade I drew a picture of a camera and said that I wanted to be a professional photographer when I grew up. I was drawn to cameras. My mom often gave us disposable cameras when we were kids, and I’d quickly fill them up with photoshoots of my friends and my pets. Developing them at Costco was like Christmas for me. Then the digital camera came out and my friend had one. I remember spending hours at her house just playing with it. It was the coolest thing to me.
When I was in middle school I spent my weekends making random videos with my friends and editing them in my free time. I still laugh when I think about them. Then high school came, and I took real photography classes. I discovered my love for photographing people and worked in a dark room developing my own film. When I was sixteen, a family friend asked me to work for him as a wedding videographer and I was introduced into the Southern California wedding world. I learned so much from that.
The summer after I graduated, my photography teacher asked me to photograph her wedding. I borrowed lenses I had never used before and felt so official and so nervous at the same time. We kept in touch through email for a number of years. I still count her a dear friend of mine.
In college I met a photography student that encouraged me to shoot what I love and to learn by practicing and designing my own shoots. In my pieces of free time I planned styled shoots for my friends and their friends, and soon word spread that I liked to take pictures. I started booking engagements, bridals, families, and others, and my passion grew along with my portfolio.
We had so much fun doing these. And I laugh when I see this because we bought those suitcases at the thrift store for this shoot and Jake and I still use them!
I remember sitting uncomfortably at my laptop, sketching out price lists and logos. I had never started a business before. I enlisted the help of my husband for an assistant, and took him to Las Vegas with me to learn from top professionals at a week long convention. I came home with a notebook full of ideas and took every photography opportunity that came my way. I was pushed and challenged with each one.
We had a lot of fun photographing weddings together when we could. We were even able to travel to a few places together, which was pretty cool.
Then I officially established my business and quickly learned that there was so much more to running a business than just pricing and advertising. I hated all the taxes and paperwork but I learned A LOT in the process.
I think this just might be our only picture of us together with our cameras at a wedding! I just think that’s crazy. Anyways, glad for this one (and grateful for him. I really loved having him shoot with me.)
In January of 2012, I received a stack of bridal magazines that featured my image on the cover and a few spreads inside. It was so exciting for me. I felt like I was really doing this professional thing, and maybe I was doing alright.
This bride also happens to be one of my dearest friends. It was one of those weddings where I was the photographer and a bridesmaid at the same time. And it wasn’t the only time. 😂
In February my first child was born. I sat hours in front of my laptop as I nursed my baby, watching online photography workshops and editing for hours on end. By then I had a wedding every weekend and a few shoots in-between. Word was starting to spread.
Temple Square in Salt Lake City was a frequent place for me. I loved it! It’s such a special place. Also, a fun little thing I found a little while back…I’m in this video about temple square and I didn’t even know it. You can see me at 5:12. (click on the picture to link to the video.) I thought that was pretty cool.
Six months after the release of the bridal magazine, we moved to Texas for my husband’s job. Utah wedding inquires soaked my inbox, but my travel was limited. I flew back to Utah and California a few times a year for weddings and other shoots, and I liked the opportunity it gave me to visit my family.
Ava often came with me on my quick trips for photography work (if they were in UT or CA.) She loved to see all her grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. She loved the airplanes and was quite the frequent flier.
Little by little word spread through our new friends in Texas. I photographed more families than weddings, and I got all the work I could handle. Motherhood alone was enough to keep me busy.
Three years later, we moved to a tiny town in North Dakota and I wanted to slow things down even more, maybe even take a little break from photography. Mothering two little ones was becoming more of my passion, and it never felt quite right trying to keep them busy so many hours a day while I edited and worked on my business.
The more I embraced this idea, the more it felt right for me. It felt good.
I feel like I have been gently guided in this direction for a while now, feeling inspired to pursue a few endeavors that seem to me to be weightier than others at this time in my life.
On December 29, 2015, I photographed my last wedding. It couldn’t have been a more perfect closure capturing my dear friend’s son as he sat on her lap during dinner, playing with her veil and giving her kisses. We were all so happy that day.
Someday I will probably return to doing this thing that I love, but for now I am thrilled with the privilege of full time motherhood and capturing my own loved ones full time. I have realized there are more precious things in life that I’m not able to return to.
So with teary eyes, I watched the slideshows from my website play memories of this profession that has captured my heart for so many years. I have worked so hard and learned so much, and I have made so many dear friends. It’s been a real blessing.
After I decided to take this route a few months back, I was listening to a talk by President Dieter F. Uctdorf that made me feel so good about this direction (for me.) I was thinking, “Yes! This is totally how I feel.” (Happens a lot with his talks.) So needless to say, I feel like this has been some good life rearranging for me. 🙂
He said…
“Elder Dallin H. Oaks, in a recent general conference, taught, ‘We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.’ 2
…My dear brothers and sisters, we would do well to slow down a little, proceed at the optimum speed for our circumstances, focus on the significant, lift up our eyes, and truly see the things that matter most. Let us be mindful of the foundational precepts our Heavenly Father has given to His children that will establish the basis of a rich and fruitful mortal life with promises of eternal happiness. They will teach us to do ‘all these things … in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that [we] should run faster than [we have] strength. [But] it is expedient that [we] should be diligent, [and] thereby … win the prize.’ 7
…Brothers and sisters, diligently doing the things that matter most will lead us to the Savior of the world.
…The heavens are open again. The gospel of Jesus Christ is on earth once more, and its simple truths are a plentiful source of joy!
Indeed we have great reason to rejoice. If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.”
It was 4pm and I stood at the stove squeezing packages of sausage into the soup pot, anxious to get to the bathroom to do my make-up (for the first time all week.) We were going somewhere after Jake got home from work and I was looking forward to getting ready for the evening.
From the bathroom I heard my four year old yelling to me, “Mom, why do you have so many lipsticks?” at the same time the baby was yelling for more food. I grabbed another piece of cornbread from the pan and set it on his highchair tray as I made my way to the bathroom. Ava was already in there with her bright red lips, having applied all four of the lipsticks, apparently. So I wet some toilet paper and touched it up a bit, careful not to wipe any off her lips because “then it won’t look pretty anymore.”
After a quick powder application, I ran back to the stove, stirred the meat, turned on the fan to avoid another fire alarm going off (like yesterday) and gave another piece of cornbread to Hyrum (and wondered how he is able to eat so much.) Then I ran up the stairs to put on some jeans and back down to the kitchen to get the yelling baby out of the high chair. I cleaned him up, set him on the floor with a bottle, searched for some chicken broth, and stirred the meat again.
Then, back to the bathroom where I quickly brushed on some eyeshadow while Ava looked through my make-up bag and Hyrum played with a ball on the floor. I had just started on the eyeliner when I heard Ava say, “Oh no Mom look!” She held up her hand with a tan colored glob on it (I’ll spare you the details,) and I think I just stood there for a good five seconds with my mouth open before I asked her what was sitting on the top of her fingers. “Hyrum’s poop!” she said with the same incredulous tone. We stood there for another few seconds just looking at it before we both broke out in snickers of quiet laughter, in a sort of disbelief and disgust. Fortunately we were in the bathroom with sufficient toilet paper, soap, and water, because we certainly used a lot of it. Not sure why she stuck her hand into her brother’s diaper, but I’m pretty sure she won’t do it again.
I carried Hyrum up the stairs on his stomach in search of baby wipes while Ava followed me like a shadow, hanging onto my shirt because there could be monsters downstairs and she’s going through this phase where she’s terrified of being by herself. Hyrum started crying and throwing all his weight to turn over the moment I laid him down on the changing table because apparently diaper changes are pretty terrible. I don’t care for them much either.
A few minutes later we were back downstairs where I stirred the meat for the last time and finished my eye liner. Phew!
Sure felt like an eventful twenty minutes. Fortunately, most twenty minutes aren’t all that eventful, but it’s not uncommon.
