I’ve been feeling kind of crumbly lately. Crumbling with all kinds of fatigue and emotions because I just don’t have the energy to do it all. This pregnancy has been hard. It’s been especially apparent the last few days, at least the overwhelming negative thoughts at times. All I really feel like doing is curling up on the couch or sleeping. The messes pile up around the house, making me want to retreat further. I push through it a lot of the time because my children need feeding, the house needs mending, and I really do want to do good and feel good. I have bundles of moments of laughter or peace, playing with my children or watching their quirks and their goodness. But oh these emotions have gotten the best of me lately, especially when Jake comes home and I can let them free. I can wallow and retreat because he’s home to take care of things.
It’s been interesting though, when I feel such a pull to give in to these negative feelings, such a real desire to sink and wallow in them, I also feel a gentle tugging from another side, a much kinder side. These kind, gentle tugs remind me that I do not belong down there in that negativity, where I am very much under the influence of another, a much less kind other. I am pulled up just enough to hover over that pit, but not to sink down. I know I have real emotions here (I have some powerful pregnancy hormones at play), but it’s still hard to pull myself out sometimes. I’m grateful for the gentle tugging, whether from the Holy Ghost or some heavenly loved one whispering to my heart. So from here, where? How do I overcome?
I came home from church today with the kids while Jake stayed to have some meetings. I carried sleeping Hyrum up to his bed, chatted and giggled with Ava over pizza, and then curled up on the couch to sleep while Ava sat at my feet playing games on my phone. Jake came home and he and Ava went downstairs and watched some videos. Hyrum joined them, so I pulled a church magazine from the bin next to the couch and picked a few things to read that I thought might be helpful, because I really wanted help.
It’s amazing how God works in just the right ways to reach us and let us know He cares. I read a few articles from that magazine that really lifted me and changed my perspective on some things.
So anyway, I’m just feeling especially grateful for inspiring words and comfort and help. Even though it’s been hard, I’m so grateful for this pregnancy. SO GRATEFUL for these babies. I’ll probably still do more crumbling, but I believe that with time He can build me back up–into something even better.
(my mantra lately)