Lullabies Tonight

Dear Ava,

You asked for lullabies tonight, and usually I’d sing you some while you give me your arm or your back to tickle, but this time you wanted songs from the computer. You learned how to find and play them the other day and that’s been so fun for you. Sometimes I’ll come into your room and you have the happiest Christmas music blasting while you organize your trinkets in the desk drawer. You love to find special places for your things and organize them. Lately your special things are seashells from our trips to the coast and little pieces of fabric from Grandma’s sewing room. Remember how you made me a little bag for my things all by yourself? I am still amazed how you did that. I love how you didn’t wait to try something you’ve never done before. I get caught up by that sometimes.

When I went to the computer to turn on your songs tonight I saw my playlist of lullabies, lullabies I played so often when you were a baby. It had been so long. You wanted to listen to them too, so we played them. I wonder if you remember them. I laid there on the bed with you while you drifted off to sleep, your baby doll snug beside you in the little bed you made for her. It was your second day of being six and I was just grateful that you still picked a baby doll for your birthday and loved her just as much as when you could first carry a doll in your arms.

Grateful you’re still little.

You seem older in so many ways.  You watch out for your little brother, stay in bed at bedtime, and call me out when I forget about painting your nails like I said. Today you wrote our names in chalk on the driveway and decorated them in hearts and stars. Remember how nervous you were to draw hearts until Daddy showed you the easy way? Now you draw them all the time. They were my favorite when I was little too. You love to draw and paint and create things, and you are so very smart. You are reading and adding and figuring new things out all the time. I just wish I could keep up with you, discovering it all for the first time again. I feel like my attention is split so many ways these days and my energy has waned, but my love for you and all the wonderful things you are becoming is only growing. And oh how I loved spending the day with you yesterday. We got our nails done for the first time together and went shopping and ended the night with chocolate cake and slurpies with the rest of the family.

Tonight you fell asleep so quickly. Just an hour ago you were giggling under the trampoline with your cousins, playing until the day was gone. I laid there between you and your brother on your bed and listened to our lullabies, the very songs I listened to when I carried you closest in my growing belly. I’d fold your tiny clothes and dream of what it would be like to hold you and care for you. Oh how I dreamed.

And then you came.

The sweetest gift of motherhood came bundled in the prettiest blue eyes and the most precious feeling. I never wanted to leave the hospital because it felt like heaven was there with us, as though I could feel your angels staying there in our room, pouring out their love for you too. And then we brought you home and the feeling stayed. Maybe they stayed too.

I remember holding you on our bed in our little room, awed at the way your little fingers curled and your eyes moved. It was all so amazing to me. I wanted to care for you the best I could. I remember warming your bath towel in the dryer so you wouldn’t feel cold, and then your dad would air it out before using it so it wouldn’t be too hot.  Sounds like him doesn’t it? He cares a lot too. These songs makes those early days with you seem so close. What a blessing it is to love you. And oh how we love you, so very very much.  Happy birthday my sweet Ava. 

#mamanotes #birthdayletters